What Every Single Person Should Know About Finding Love, Falling in Love and Staying Sane

"I keep dating losers – why can't I choose Mr. Right? When my girlfriend met her (now) husband she 'just knew' he was her soul mate."Have you ever wondered how other people choose Mr. or Mrs. Right? Are you tired of having relationships that go nowhere? Ever think you've met Mr. or Mrs. Right, only to find out he/she was Mr. or Mrs. Wrong? Do you blame yourself, thinking what's wrong with me?This month we will shed some light on this issue and teach you how to find a healthy partner, fall in love and keep your sanity.In the BeginningJoan: "There he is. Isn't he gorgeous? I have seen him here several times before; I just need the courage to say hello."Alicia: "Go for it."We have all experienced it – that moment when we see someone we are really attracted to; the butterflies in stomach, hands cold and clammy, heart pounding loudly. It's extreme bliss.The First DateHe's coming to pick you up in 10 minutes; you're not quite ready.Joan (thinking): "How does my hair look? Should I brush my teeth one more time? I hope he likes me."On the DateJoan (thinking): "I am so attracted to him. When he put his arm around my shoulders I almost melted. There go those butterflies again. This is heaven. And we have so much in common."Back at Her HouseJoan: "Would you like to come in for a drink?""Sure," he said.Three drinks later, he started kissing her on the neck. The adrenaline rush was like nothing she'd ever felt before. Yup, they did it. Hook up with a capital H.The Next DayJoan: "I’ve never done that before, you know, have sex on the first date, but I felt a real connection with you.""Me too – it was a great night. I'll call you."The Next WeekJoan to Alicia: "I can't believe he hasn't called me. What a jerk. I should've known. I truly thought we had a great connection."The Trilogy in Attraction: Head, Heart and HormonesTo find and choose a healthy partner, the three parts of attraction - Head, Heart and Hormones - need to be in balance.In reality, you can't separate the three facets; they are integrally connected in ways we may never begin to understand. However, to explore and understand how we operate, we will talk about them as independent entities.Head refers to the cognitive, logical and analytical part of us that collects facts, observes, stores and analyzes them, ultimately creating hypotheses about their meaning. After enough data is received, conclusions are drawn.Heart is the emotional bridge that feels and connects two people through listening, sharing, understanding and empathizing with each other. It involves being vulnerable and peeling away the fears of being judged or criticized, telling deep and personal secrets not shared with everyone and taking risks. It is the path to emotional intimacy.Hormones denote the body's neuro-chemical response triggered when we feel an attraction. A chain of physical events begins, resulting in feelings of love and sexual desire. First comes our sense of smell; pheromones enter the brain though the olfactory system. Next, visual, olfactory, auditory and tactile cues kick in launching the production of brain peptides, vasopressin and oxytocin, which have been shown to be involved with bonding. This physiological reaction may feel like true love, but chances are, in the beginning, it is not.Joan was swept away by Heart and Hormones, but left her Head behind. If she had kept them in check and had greater awareness of what her date did and said, she might have picked up clues about her date's nature and may not have had sex with him. With greater awareness of balancing the trilogy, Head, Heart and Hormones, she might not have allowed her hormonal attraction to hijack her Head.Hormones Leave the Gate First and Take the LeadIn the first few seconds after meeting someone new, you either feel an attraction or not. Hormones are off and lead the pack; physical attraction is the first thing you notice when you meet a potential partner. If you don't feel it, it's possible, but unlikely, you will feel it later. We can't "will" ourselves to feel a certain way. Remember the times you dated and "tried" to be attracted to the "nice guys," who, of course, never happened to be as good-looking as the "bad boys?"However, using Hormones to select a mate (instead of waiting until the Head and Heart kick in), can be a disaster.Heart Trails and Comes in a Close SecondWhen we meet an attractive potential partner and our hormones kick in, we tend to idealize the person, overlooking behaviors and qualities that we don’t want to see. "Looking through rose colored glasses" hinders us from making an objective assessment about whether or not this is someone with whom we truly want to become intimate.Head Falls Way Back and Takes Third PlaceWith Hormones and Heart operating at full speed, the Head usually falls behind. We develop feelings of desire and love before we assess whether this person is a healthy match for us. It is the powerful chemically-induced feelings, we identify as "being in love."With attention and care, the fragile bond of emotional and erotic love, "Supreme Love," will become stronger and deeper. This is the forever love that will last a lifetime.A Saner Way to Find and Fall in LoveFinding and keeping true love that will last takes time. It takes patience and an awareness of the Head, Heart and Hormones trilogy. If you consciously choose to allow your Head to reign in the other too, you are much more likely to make a better choice.So How Can You Do This?"The List." You know, the list where women write down all the qualities they are looking for in a mate. The List is actually a cognitive way of trying to find the right partner. But most of the time it doesn't work. It is too logical. You may prematurely rule out a potential partner for not having one of your requirements without seeing the whole picture. Lori had a list years ago and one of the requirements was that she would never marry another therapist. Thank goodness that list went out the window when she met Bob.A better way: When you meet someone and after each date or interaction, use your Head to write down what you are learning about this person. Observe the details and collect the facts. Don't jump to conclusions, but watch over time to see what patterns develop. Draw hypotheses from these facts and test them out.Does he listen deeply with empathy? Does he talk mostly about himself? Does he listen to others around him?If he shows up a half hour late, was he thoughtful enough to call you? If not, did he apologize for being late? Is he respectful in other ways?Does he attend to your needs? Does he pick up on things you say and demonstrate his caring? Does he compliment you? Does he do the little things?Only after you collect enough data will you be able to come to a realistic picture about who this person is.Walt Disney ended all of his movies with, "And they lived happily ever after..." We take this literally, but most don't notice the ellipsis, the three dots at the end. That ellipsis means "we would like to hope."Remember, when you are looking for a partner, enjoy the Heart and Hormones, but always lead with your Head.You can visit Disney World, but you can’t live there.When it comes to dating and relationships, is your Head, Heart, and Hormones trilogy in balance?