Why Marriage Matters to Same-Sex Couples

“What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life--to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?” - George Eliot

Ashley saw me for therapy several years ago at the age of 21:

“Growing up my mother said someday I would fall in love, get married and have a family, just like her and my dad. My parents taught us there is nothing more important than family. I remember playing with my friends, having “pretend weddings”; I was always the bride.

When I was 13 or 14 years old I realized I was not attracted to guys. By 16 I finally acknowledged to myself that I was gay. I was terrified of being different. What would my life be like? Being gay meant I would never get married; or have kids. How could I live in the world without a family?

I cried often thinking that my life would have no purpose. The promise of growing up, getting married and having a family was ripped right out from under me. My expectations and dreams for the future were crushed. I couldn’t tell anyone. That’s when I first had thoughts of suicide.

When I was 16 years old I had my first romantic relationship with a girl named Alexis. While my straight friends talked about boys and went out on dates, Alexis and I had to hide. We worried if anyone found out about us we would be picked on or bullied. I was very depressed.

Now at 21, I accept that I am gay. I didn’t choose to be attracted to girls. That’s just the way it is. I hate when people say it’s a choice. I ask them, ‘If being gay is a choice, when did you choose to be heterosexual?’ That usually stops them in their tracks.

Even though I’ve accepted I’m gay the world doesn’t accept me. I can’t freely express my affection to my girlfriend. Can you imagine going out to dinner with your husband and not being able to hold hands or give him a kiss or put your arm around him? It sucks.

I want to be proud of my relationship just like anyone else. I want to walk down the street holding hands with my girlfriend. I want to get married someday to someone I love and have a family. My parents taught me that was the meaning of life.”

That’s how it was being gay for Ashley. She is not unlike many other gay people I know.Straight or gay we all grow up seeking connection, looking for a loving relationship with someone who will journey through life with us. The emotional longings of gay and straight people are the same.The relationship issues of gay and straight couples are the same. They have communication gaps, difficulty resolving conflict and disagreements about spending money.Gay couples are different in one way. In addition to their regular relationship issues, they deal with a host of other difficulties that complicate their lives. They worry about:

• Being judged or rejected for who they are.
• Being fired from or not hired for a job, because they are gay.
• Talking with co-workers they aren’t “out to” about what they did over the weekend.
• Having to hide their affection for one another in public or risk being verbally or physically attacked by others who find their love objectionable.
• Coming out to family, friends, and others they interact with.

It’s not an easy road for gay couples.This week that road became a little easier to navigate. The U.S. Supreme court ruled that marriage is a constitutional right for same-sex couples. Why does “marriage” matter to gay couples?Ashley’s email to me said it all:“Lori, I hope you remember me. You saw me several years ago. Since then, I moved to Florida and met Samantha. We’ve been dating for 2 years. She is the love of my life.Because of the Supreme Court’s ruling we will now be able to get married, just like everyone else. It’s the first time since I realized I was gay, that I feel ‘normal.’ The dreams I grew up with, falling in love, getting married and having a family will come true after all. The meaning of my life, having my own family, will come to pass.”Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote:

No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.

The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed.

It is so ordered.

This is exactly why same-sex couples wanted to join heterosexual couples in having the option of getting married. They have to want, no more.We would love to hear your thoughts about the meaning of marriage on Facebook or email us at info@RelationshipsWork.com.Image Copyright Lisa Young