Are You Living an Ethical Marriage?

The meaning of good and bad, of better and worse, is simply helping or hurting.- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bob and I recently had the pleasure of meeting Bruce Weinstein, Ph.D., a professional ethicist and author of 8 books, including Ethical Intelligence. He has been featured on CNBC, the TODAY show, Fox News and CNN. In addition, he writes for Bloomberg Businessweek and the Huffington Post. He is also a renowned keynote speaker. Not your average resume. His most recent book, just published in May, is The Good Ones: Ten Crucial Qualities of High-Character Employees.Conversation with Bruce was fascinating and led us to think about the topic of ethics in marriage and committed relationships. Just what is an ethical marriage or relationship?In his book Ethical Intelligence, Bruce describes the everyday decisions we make and how to handle them in the most ethical manner. For example, what would you do in the following situations?

• Your partner gives you an outfit for your birthday and you don’t like it. What should you do?
  1. Pretend you like it and wear it anyway.
  2. Tell him the truth, acknowledge his effort and return it.
  3. Take it back to the store and hope he doesn’t notice.
• Your husband tries a new recipe for dinner and it tastes awful. When he asks whether you like it, how should you respond?
  1. Tell him the truth and thank him for trying.
  2. Lie and tell him it’s great.
  3. Eat half of it and say you’re just not that hungry.
• Your wife surprises you and cuts her long hair short. You can’t believe it since she knows you love long hair. What do you say when she asks if you like her new 'do?
  1. Reply, “It’s nice but I have to get used to it.”
  2. Tell her what a wonderful surprise it is.
  3. Be honest and say you don’t like short hair and you really want her to grow it back.

There is no absolute “right” answer to these questions. Your responses may depend upon how sensitive your partner is, how important the issue is, or the norms that the two of you have established in your relationship (e.g. always tell the blunt truth).To determine the most ethical way to handle these everyday situations, Bruce suggests using the five principles of “Ethical Intelligence” as a guide. They are:

1. Do No Harm - Communicate in a way that is kind and will not damage your partner.
2. Make Things Better - Respond in a way that will increase trust.
3. Respect Others - Treat others as you wish to be treated. Be honest and caring.
4. Be Fair - Give your partner what is due them. Consider their needs.
5. Be Loving - Show empathy and compassion to your partner.

Here are some ideas to put the principles of “Ethical Intelligence” to work in your relationship:

• Use the five principles above in everyday situations with your partner as you go about your week. Notice what happens and how it affects your relationship.
• Share these principles with your partner and talk about how the two of you can use them to enhance your communication and intimacy.
• Create a code of ethics for your marriage. What values do you live by in your relationship? How do you want each other to handle difficult everyday situations like the ones above?

There is no doubt this topic is a fabulous conversation starter for any couple. Hmm, I need to talk to Bob about this...To Bruce: Thanks for sharing your time and wisdom with us. You have given us a different perspective on relationships, which we will use to help our clients, family and friends. Here’s hoping our paths cross again!We would love to hear your thoughts about ethical intelligence in relationships on Facebook or email us at info@RelationshipsWork.com.Image Copyright Marek Uliasz