Do You and Your Partner Have the Same Definition of Monogamy?

Myrna’s Story:“Tim recently returned from his annual golf trip with friends. When I was doing the laundry, I found a receipt in his pant’s pocket from a bar. I asked him, “What were you doing in a place called ‘Skinny Dick’s Saloon’?”He looked like a deer in the headlights. He defensively replied, “It was just a bar that the guys frequent on their trips to Hilton Head.” I dug deeper and he finally admitted it was a strip club with topless dancers! He told me that some of his friends pay for lap dances. Tim swore he’d never had a lap dance himself - as if that made it okay for him to be there.I’m disgusted. I feel so betrayed. I’m not sure I can ever forgive him. It blows my mind that he doesn’t understand why this is so disturbing to me. He thinks I’m blowing it out of proportion, so I asked one of the other wives and she didn’t think it was a big deal. But I feel as if he cheated on me.”~~~~~~~~~~When was the last time you and your partner explicitly talked about the meaning of “monogamy” in your relationship?The likely answer is: A very long ago, maybe even before you married. Once couples make the final commitment, they assume the relationship will be monogamous, yet they often don’t explicitly define what that means.Most people agree, if a partner has sex with someone outside the committed relationship or marriage, the monogamy promise has been broken. But what about the following:

• Having a close personal relationship with a co-worker that your partner doesn’t know
• Being attracted to someone outside your relationship
• Attending happy hour and flirting with a colleague
• Talking to another person about your marital problems
• Sharing a secret with someone outside your relationship that you haven’t shared with your partner
• Having lunch with someone you find attractive
• Watching pornography alone
• Having sex with a prostitute
• Getting drunk on a business trip and having a one night stand
• Going to a strip club and having a lap dance
• Having sex with someone outside your relationship when you and your partner are “roommates” and haven’t had sex in years
• Chatting online about sex with another person
• Fantasizing about being with someone other than your partner

What does cheating mean to you? There is not one definition. It’s vital for you and your partner to communicate explicitly about what faithfulness means to you. In our experience, couples rarely discuss the issue unless there has been a breach of boundaries.Years ago I saw a male client who came in because he and his wife weren’t getting along. They were increasingly having arguments and he felt his wife pulling away from him. During the session, it came out that he and his colleagues would go to a massage parlor near their office at lunchtime and get more than a massage. Since intercourse wasn’t involved and there was no emotional connection, he didn’t view it as betraying his vow of monogamy. He also didn’t think it had anything to do with the tension between him and his wife. I bet if his wife had been in the session she would have disagreed.In her book, The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity, Dr. Tammy Nelson demonstrates how to create an explicit “monogamy agreement” after an affair. She addresses how couples can set ground rules for their marriage.We think it would be great for couples to create monogamy agreements before there is an affair. Share this article with your partner and explicitly define the boundaries of monogamy in your relationship.

“It is important to set proper boundaries in your outside relationships for the purpose of protecting your primary relationship from emotional promiscuity. We often think of infidelity as a physical act when the truth is it started as a breach of emotional monogamy.”- Jordan Blake Michiels

We would love to hear your thoughts about monogamy on Facebook or email us at info@RelationshipsWork.com.Image Copyright Cathy Yeulet