The Key to Difficult Conversations with Your Partner

4 Steps to Transform Communication with Your Partner - Part 4

"When angry, count to ten before you speak.If very angry, count to one hundred."-Thomas Jefferson

The way you say things really matters. When we’re upset, and hijacked by our fight or flight response, it’s likely that what we say to our partner will not be expressed in a positive, productive manner.The key to difficult conversations is to speak in a way that allows your partner to “hear” you. After all, what is it that we really want? We want to be heard and understood. Yet often times we communicate the most important thoughts or feelings in a way that engenders a defensive or negative response.Expressing yourself so that your partner can “hear” you means:1. Talk when you’re calm.Having difficult conversations can provoke anxiety or frustration. The topic may be one where you disagree. If you feel invalidated, voice volume increases; tone gets edgy. Before you know it you are yelling or saying things that are hurtful. Only continue talking when your mind and heart are in a more relaxed state.2. Use “I” statements.Disagreements trigger defensiveness and may become a battle of wills. A verbal tug of war may ensue while each of you tries to prove that you are right and the other is wrong. Speak mindfully with compassion and caring. Own your thoughts and feelings. Speak to be understood, not to be “right.”3. Dig deep for the feelings hidden by anger. When communication is hard, anger is the “strong” feeling that hides our vulnerability. Yet it is the emotion that will least likely be heard. Sadness, fear, hurt and disappointment are much easier to hear. Ask yourself what feelings are under your anger and share them.4. Frame your message in positive, non-judgmental language.It’s more common than not to be negative when having tough talks. Judgments, blame, and shame may be hurled toward our partner. We may talk about what we don’t want, instead of what we would like. Consciously and intentionally frame what you want to say in a way that is positive and asks for what you need.5. Validate each other’s point of view, whether or not you agree.In the world of communication, validating your partner’s point of view means that you have heard and understood their message. It doesn’t mean you agree or disagree. Once you hear your partner, ask for your point of view to be heard.You have the key to create productive conversations. How you speak is just as important as what you have to say.

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place,but far more difficult still,to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."- Benjamin Franklin

We would love to hear your thoughts about how to manage your part of conflicts on Facebook or email us at info@RelationshipsWork.com.Did you miss any part of our four part series? Read it here.Image Copyright Wavebreak Media Ltd