How to Lower Your Anger Threshold in Conflict

4 Steps to Transform Communication with Your Partner - Part 3

"Speak when you are angry
and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."
- Ambrose Bierce

Our feelings about “anger” come from childhood. Growing up I got the message, “It’s not nice to be angry.” My mom was a pleaser who swallowed her anger to keep the peace. I also learned that anger was scary. When my dad raised his voice, you knew you’d better listen. I was trained to think anger was a bad and frightening emotion.For years I denied and swallowed my anger. Then I learned that, in and of itself, anger is not a bad or good emotion. It’s just a feeling, like sad, happy, and afraid. What matters in relationships is how you express (or don’t express) it. Being passive and holding it in denies your feelings and builds resentment; being aggressive expresses your feelings harshly and is abusive.The only healthy way to express anger in relationships is to be assertive; that is, direct, honest, open and non-judgmental. Assertiveness means stating your thoughts and feelings about what the other person is doing, describing his/her behavior and sharing how that behavior impacts you, as opposed to blaming and bashing his/her character.Let’s say that Bob chronically leaves his dishes in the sink. Here are my choices:

• Passive response: Say nothing. Wonder to myself how long it will be until he notices. Let my feelings build up till they explode.
• Aggressive response: Say to him: “You are such a slob. Didn’t your mother teach you anything? How many times do I have to tell you…”
• Assertive response: Tell him: “Honey, I’d appreciate you putting your dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink. It means a lot to me to keep things neat.”

Which one of those responses is more likely to be heard? Obviously, the assertive response. So why doesn’t that happen more often?The difficulty in these situations is that we are more likely to respond emotionally in anger than to respond assertively, and more rationally.Emotions trigger the physiological fight or flight response. Dr. John Gottman, who studied couples extensively, calls this "Diffuse Physiological Arousal." When we experience anger the body tenses, muscles tighten, pupils dilate, impulses quicken; feelings take over and flood the mind. Our bodies prepare to fight or flee from the perceived danger.To respond assertively, we have to learn how to lower our anger threshold. Bob has helped me work on this over the years. If my volume goes up when we are communicating (i.e., arguing) he lets me know by giving me the time-out sign. I know I need to cool down before we continue the dialogue. I’ve practiced relaxation techniques over the years and learned I have more control than I originally thought. I trained my brain to respond differently and you can too.Here are some ways anyone can work on lowering their general anger threshold and training their brain to respond more calmly:

• Exercise reduces stress by metabolizing excessive stress hormones and increasing our natural endorphins, the pleasure hormones.
• Yoga teaches the relaxation response and lowers overall stress.
• Deep Breathing calms the body by increasing the level of oxygen in the blood stream.
• Mindfulness Mediation is an increasingly popular method of coping with stress in our lives.

Managing your overall stress level and practicing ways to lower your general anger threshold is beneficial for you and your relationship. It’s a win-win. The secret is to find what works for you and actually do it.Check out this wonderful resource on relaxation techniques for more information. Get started now.Stay tuned for Part 4 next week...The Key to Difficult Conversations with Your PartnerWe would love to hear your thoughts about how to lower your anger threshold in conflict on Facebook or email us at info@RelationshipsWork.com.Did you miss Part 2 of our four part series? Read it here.Image Copyright Wavebreak Media Ltd