You Have the Key to Manage Conflict

4 Steps to Transform Communication with Your Partner - Part 2I have bad news and good news.The bad news: Dr. John Gottman’s 42 years of research on couples found that 69% of the chronic arguments we have with our partners will never be fully resolved. (I can’t say I was surprised since Bob and I, like other couples, have persistent issues we repeatedly argue about.)Additionally, when couples give up talking about the chronic issues and become gridlocked, the resulting contempt or detachment eventually leads to separation.Now for the good news: Gottman’s research also found that when couples continue to dialogue over the years about their chronic issues, they stay together. The perpetual issues don’t get solved; they get managed. Couples find ways to regulate their anger, de-escalate and repair their relationship.How do we effectively achieve this with our partners? The key to managing conflict in our relationships is looking right at us in the mirror.Most often we express complaints in the form of accusing our partners. “You always leave the kitchen a mess.” “You never want to have sex.” “You don’t make time for us.” We point our finger at the person we love; we blame “out.”Dr. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus said, "When one finger is pointing out, three are pointing back at you."Instead of blaming “out” next time you’re dissatisfied, ask yourself “What is my part is of the conflict? What did I do to contribute to the disagreement? What can I do to be part of the solution or the repair?”Bob and I have no shortage of examples to share with you. Years ago when we bought our house, we amicably divided the household chores. One of his jobs was putting the trash and the recycling out on specific days. Bob remembered about 90% of the time.Being the more detailed person in our relationship (Bob would say “compulsive, driven, neurotic”), I would anticipate trash day and feel I had to remind him just in case he forgot. I chronically complained about his forgetfulness (I would say “carelessness, negligence, reckless disregard”). I felt I couldn’t relax or the chore might not get done.After years of chronic arguing about this I realized this wasn’t going to change. Instead of blaming “out,” I worked on changing my thinking. I replaced, “OMG, he might forget the trash” to “He remembers 90% of the time. So what if 10% of the time the trash doesn’t go out? I’m making a bigger deal out of this than necessary.”I decided to let go; to not expect perfection; to recognize that he wasn’t forgetting on purpose; he wasn’t being passive-aggressive; he wasn’t trying to annoy me. He just wasn’t as attentive to the little things as I was. It wasn’t easy the first few times I consciously ignored the trash not being put out.

"Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one."- Benjamin Franklin

I took responsibility for finding self-soothing techniques to interrupt my habitual way of responding. I set a goal of becoming less compulsive and more relaxed. I meditated on being able to let go. I practiced becoming more mindful when I was creating unnecessary stress for myself. I found this quote by Buddha:

"You will not be punished FOR your anger;you will be punished BY your anger."

Interestingly, when Bob completely owned putting the trash out, he became increasingly frustrated with himself when he forgot. The result a year later - I gave up thinking I needed to remind him. I was proud of myself for being less compulsive. And Bob’s forgetfulness decreased. Now I’d say he rarely forgets, though I stopped counting. As a couple, we have one less chronic issue to argue about. (We still have plenty of others to work on.)Think about how you can apply this to your relationship. When you find yourself blaming your partner, how can you change your thinking? Can you look at the issue differently? What can you change that might contribute to a solution?Next week we’ll look at the third step - How to learn and practice ways to lower your general anger threshold; and how to manage your overall stress level by finding stress management techniques that work for you.Stay tuned for Part 3 next week...How to Lower Your Anger ThresholdWe would love to hear your thoughts about how to manage your part of conflicts on Facebook or email us at info@RelationshipsWork.com.Did you miss Part 1 of our four part series? Read it here.Image Copyright Wavebreak Media Ltd