Why Men Resist "Working on the Relationship."
By Bob Hollander
I know men innately desire and look for deep connection within their relationships. The quality of that connection is essentially no less intense than it is for women. Often, however, I also believe this primal truth remains unrecognized by women, given how their partner may act.It comes down to this: Although guys truly want to nurture intimate connection and secure it as the foundation of their relationship, we are sadly faced with significant barriers that prevent us from achieving it.Here’s why:
- Men are afflicted with a “counter-intuitive” belief we can pick and choose the feelings we want to contend with, and not deal with the uncomfortable ones.
We fail to understand to be in a genuine relationship and experience connection, it is essentially a “package deal.” It is taking on the “whole enchilada,” not choosing feelings “al la carte.” Men have got to recognize that along with the most wonderfully loving, secure, and nurturing feelings, which we desperately want and need, we must tolerate and work through, other feelings which will automatically emerge, such as our deepest frustrations and fears, and even our vulnerability. We must be able to embrace it all, or we will severely limit the happiness we are fundamentally seeking in our relationships.
- Men do not believe that doing the “little things” possesses any real relevance to achieving closeness.
Men don’t get the power of “doing the little things.” I myself have failed to put these pieces together, even today!We essentially think “little things,” are just that, little things – which really makes a whole lot of sense at first glance. However, that analysis fails to take into account a most fundamental principle and truth. We are not just talking about little things here.Rather, we are dealing with something of a symbolic nature – and how our partner considers the totality of our efforts as we continually and consistently do these little things, “for her.”It goes beyond just “taking things off her plate.” On the contrary, it means so much more on a much deeper level.It is a sign we essentially care deeply about her, her situation and her feelings. It represents the degree to which we are concerned about her, and love her.And this, to her, is surely not a “little thing,” rather it remains the primary linchpin to a deeper, more loving relationship.So for men, I would suggest the following:
- Face your fears, be courageous and embrace all of the feelings, the most sublime as well as the more difficult and confusing ones.
- Realize it is doing the “little things” consistently for her that will convey the truest caring and love.
When you do these two things, you will have, in fact, committed to your relationship.