The Most Important Question To Ask Your Partner about Love
By Lori Hollander
The conversation began with Alyssa saying, “I don’t feel loved.”Mark’s eyes opened wide. “How can you say that? We’ve been married for 7 years. I’ve worked really hard to give you all you’ve asked for - a house, two kids, a comfortable life. How could you not feel loved?”Alyssa: “I’m grateful for all of that. But you don’t do the little things anymore. We used to go on dates. You’d surprise me with flowers or love notes. I remember the time you planned a weekend away and just told me to pack a bag.”Mark: “And I remember the days when you used to look forward to making love. There were even times you initiated it.”In our practice we commonly hear complaints like this. In the beginning of relationships when hormones are pumping and romance is in the air, the expression of love happens without much intentional thought. As time goes on and the responsibilities of commitment, career, marriage and kids take center stage, the expression of love may need to be more thoughtful and more intentional. Not because we don’t love our partners, but because there are so many other concerns that require attention.You may assume you know how to “actively love” your partner and yet, you are likely “loving your partner the way you would like to receive love.” The most important question you can ask your partner is,
How would you like to receive love from me?
We all receive love in different ways and have preferences for how we desire love. Some people receive love through words, some through touch. Others feel loved when they have deep conversation, or spend quality time alone. Sex is another way partners receive love. It’s natural to assume that our partner receives love the way we do, when often that is not true.To reignite your relationship, ask your partner what makes him or her feel loved and how he or she wants to receive love from you. Take a few minutes for each of you to write responses to, “I feel loved when you…” Share them with each other. You may be surprised as to what you learn. Then, of course, put those requests into action.
The greatest love is when you love your partner the wayhe/she wants to receive love, not the way you want to give it.
To Your Relationship,Lori and Bob HollanderFREE TeleClass: 5 Relationship Warning Lights You Shouldn't Ignore4-Week Workshop: Reignite Your Relationship in 2014