3 Steps to Break Through Relationship Quicksand

David and Alana were almost at the point of separation when they came to see us.David: My wife is cold, uncaring and distant. She doesn’t communicate with me or ask how my day was. I am invisible to her. We don’t spend time together without the kids. And sex…we haven’t had that in months. I stopped counting.”Alana: Maybe I am cold. I have no feelings for him. I have no sexual drive - for him or anyone. I’ve been home with the kids for 6 years and our lives have gone in different directions. He works 70 hours a week; I’ve raised the kids. When I’ve tried to talk to him about it, we always end up in the same place. He just says I’m a cold-hearted b____. He’s mean to me. Why would I want to spend time with him?What happened to David and Alana is not unusual. After the kids were born, they spent less and less time as a couple. They didn’t do the “intentional” things that couples need to do to feed their partnership connection. Their emotional and sexual intimacy drifted away slowly and insidiously.Distance turned to blame. David sank into anger and resentment. Once he started labeling Alana as cold and uncaring, that was the only filter through which he could see her. Alana responded by withdrawing, avoiding and detaching from David. She saw him as hurtful and hostile. Who would want to spend time with someone like that?Our work with this couple started by identifying the labels and filters through which they saw each other. Then we challenged them.Lori: Had Alana always been unfeeling?David: No, she wasn’t like that when we met. She was very loving or I wouldn’t have married her.Lori: How is she with others - the kids, parents, friends?David: She’s great and very connected with others, just not me.Lori: Alana, so you are not by nature an unfeeling, cold person. I wonder why you are this way with David?Alana: I’m angry at him. He hasn’t been there for me.Lori: What else are you feeling?Alana: Sad. [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent="yes" overflow="visible"][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type="1_1" background_position="left top" background_color="" border_size="" border_color="" border_style="solid" spacing="yes" background_image="" background_repeat="no-repeat" padding="" margin_top="0px" margin_bottom="0px" class="" id="" animation_type="" animation_speed="0.3" animation_direction="left" hide_on_mobile="no" center_content="no" min_height="none"][The tears came flooding out.] He calls me names and constantly says I’m cold. It really hurts. That’s not who I am. We’ve just grown apart. I’m afraid he doesn’t like me.Lori: Does this sound cold, David?David: No, I haven’t seen her express feelings like this in a long time.Alana: How do you expect me to express feelings when I constantly feel under attack? You are mean to me.Bob: David, when you are labeling Alana, what are you feeling besides anger?David: I feel so rejected; I am a failure. I can’t do anything right. I keep asking myself why Alana doesn’t love me. I am hurt.Alana: It’s not that I don’t love you; how can I be close to someone who pushes me away at every turn?Bob: The labels you two have been placed on each other are “cold” and “mean”. David, do you see that Alana is not cold? She is hurting and afraid. She is a very feeling person. You just haven’t seen them.Lori: Alana, do you see that under Dave’s comments to you he is feeling rejected and sad, and fearing the worst about your love for him?David and Alana broke through the wall that had been in the way of them connecting. They realized they had to stop living in their anger and talk about their fear, their hurt and sadness. And they had to start doing connecting things.The way you feel about your partner is largely dependent upon how you think about him or her. When you get stuck in thinking about your partner in one particular way, it makes our world orderly, but it might drown the relationship.Seeing beyond the superficial labels, looking at each other from different perspectives, going deeper into each others feelings is what helped this couple reconnect. When they began to do connecting actions they slowly but consistently started to reinvigorate their partnership.Often relationships get stuck like Alana and David’s. If yours does it’s time to pull back and take a fresh look at your partner. Think about how you see him or her and challenge yourself. These three steps will increase your awareness of how you perceive your partner and help you change your perspective. Thinking about your partner in a different light will improve your connection:1) Write down the filters or labels through which you see your partner.2) Think through how each one of them affects your relationship.3) Ask yourself how you can turn these around to see them as something more positive.Your partner is who he/she is. However, seeing him/her from a different perspective and changing your frame of reference will affect how you feel about him/her.The way you feel about your partner is all in your head.[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]