4 Holiday Survival Tips for the Newly Separated or Divorced

The first holiday season after a separation or divorce, stinks. Unfortunately, I know several people in this situation. Their pain and sadness are palpable.Holidays are all about giving and receiving, connecting with loved ones and spending time with family. It’s a time we’re supposed to feel joyful and happy.For people who are newly separated or divorced, the holidays shine a huge spotlight on what they’ve lost – a partner or spouse, a family unit, a familiar lifestyle, connection with a friend, life as they knew it.Separation and divorce are an earthquake that forever change the ground upon which you’ve walked. You look at everything through a new lens. Daily life, decisions, activities, plans are no longer filtered through a partner. There’s no one to carry out and share the traditions. There’s no one there to do the “little things” that create connection.Traditions are rituals we create to form our marital or familial identity, like a coat of arms. They define and differentiate us from others. We enjoy them because they’re something we can count on; they represent stability in a chaotic world; they make us feel there’s a safe place to land, at least once a year.The loss of these rituals is akin to a death, especially the first year. Often people don’t know the best way to cope.Here are four practical ways to survive the holidays when you are recently separated or divorced:

1) Make Intentional Choices.Actively planning what to do beats trying to ignore the holidays. Acknowledge they’re coming. You can’t control your feelings, but you can control what you do. Mindfully decide how you’ll manage your time.

Most people choose to be with family and friends. Others choose to be alone. I have a recently separated client who is traveling to the Caribbean where she’ll be able to relax and not be around those who accentuate her loss.

Everyone is different. Do what is right for you. The point is to take charge and make a plan, instead of allowing the holidays to loom over you.

2) Decide Which Traditions to Keep and Which to Start Anew.For some, sticking to their old traditions may be a source of comfort, even without their former mate.

For others, the old traditions create too much discomfort and grief; and highlight the loss. In that case, choose to create new traditions and start fresh.

There is no right or wrong. Be mindful of, and choose your traditions this year.

3) Interact with Family, Friends and Others Who Are Supportive.Most people will be with family members and friends who are aware of their loss. But there may be others who don’t know. They’ll ask, “Where is your partner?” Have an answer prepared. For example, “We had a rough year and are separated. But since it’s holiday time, I’d rather not talk about it.”

Avoid people who are unsupportive. Don’t spend too much time with your nosy aunt who will continue asking personal questions. Don’t go to your sister’s house, if she’s told you, “It’s been five months, you should be over it.”

Bottom line is to be mindful of who you choose to be with. Their negative or positive energy will be contagious.

4) Give to Others.This will likely be a time where your focus will be on yourself and the trauma you’ve been through. Take some time to turn outwards toward others in need.

You ask, “How could I possibly give to others when I feel so empty?” The answer is that helping or giving to others is like medicine. It makes you feel better.

When we are suffering we tend to feel alone, as if we are the only one hurting. We withdraw from others and forget that there are many people in need. Being with others and expressing kindness paradoxically makes you feel cared for. And it gives perspective that you wouldn’t have otherwise. There are many places to volunteer. Check out Volunteer Match.

Giving to others is also a gift to ourselves.

Thank you for being part of our relationship community.We are available to work with you and/or your partner. You can call us at 410-363-2825 or email LHollander@RelationshipsWork.com. We would be delighted to help.Image Copyright dash