5 Ways to Improve Communication
Every couple needs to fill their relationship toolbox with the tools required for building and maintaining a lifetime of supreme love. But, what good are tools if you don’t know how to use them? This is where skills - those you have and those you can learn - come in handy. And communication is the most vital skill to have.Unfortunately, communication is also the biggest problem for most couples. It’s the number one complaint we hear from our clients. They do not understand how complex communication is:
- You have something you want to say in your mind
- You encode that message into words
- You speak the words
- The other person receives the message
- Then they have to decode your words and process your message through their filters (And the way they interpret it, or filter it, could be something completely different from your original message.)
- And finally, they respond to you.
On top of those fundamental complexities, most of us were never taught how to communicate effectively, other than learning the habits of our parents, who might not have been the best teachers. Now you have a deeply complex system, no formal training, and the need to unlearn the bad habits we picked up throughout our lives. It’s pretty clear how this could turn into a problem area.So here are five ways to improve your communication skills:Voice CheckSometimes we get so hung up on picking the “right” words to say to our partner that we neglect the other ways in which our message is being delivered.For example, the same exact words can create two totally different meanings just by the way they’re spoken. Body language and the tone being used are sometimes more effective than the actual words. This means if you tell me you’re listening but you roll your eyes, I’m going to believe your eyes over your mouth, and most likely respond negatively.Your physical reactions and your tone will likely determine the response you receive, so don’t forget to pay attention to your body’s signals and the tone of your voice.Fill the Gender GapMen and women are different: the way we walk, the way we talk, the way we feel. Women talk to establish rapport, share feelings and create intimacy. Men talk to report, solve problems, negotiate status and preserve independence.For example, majority of women want to talk about a problem with the kids or the house, but most men hear their partner’s problems and immediately try to solve them. When really all the woman wants is to connect with her partner and be heard. Not the words but the meanings behind her words.Thus, in effective communication, it’s important to recognize our differences in order to better understand what our partners really mean.Practice EmpathyThere’s a difference between empathy and sympathy. Sometimes people don’t know or understand the difference between the two. But let us just say, you cannot grow your relationship without it.Empathy is when you feel with a person. That means you’re imagining what it would be like if you were in their shoes. It’s a deeper connection. You should:1) Listen. Psychological presence. Be there for your partner; feel the words, not just hear them. When you’re empathetic it’s more than the words - it’s the meaning, the feeling, it’s like you’re getting into the other person’s body.2) Explore. When you’re showing empathy for somebody not only do you want to listen deeply and consciously but you want to ask them questions and dig a little bit so you can get a little more information and a little more understanding. While you’re exploring them, you explore yourself. So in a way it’s a conduit to knowing yourself more as you try to identify with their feelings.When partners get stuck in defending their positions, they fail to understand the other’s point of view. A better and more productive way is to become curious about, and interested in, understanding each other’s needs and perspective; understanding it so well that you could “make the other’s case.”3) Align. When you’re with your partner and they’re telling you about an experience they’ve had that you may not have had yourself, you want to align with them or try to relate their experience to something that has brought up the same feeling within you. So you can really get it.Until you can make your partner’s case, you really don’t understand. And until you understand both perspectives, you can’t function as a team. It’s not about who’s right or wrong; it’s about being able to recognize and make your partner’s case so well that you can present either side. Then, and only then, can the two of you problem-solve as a team.Be AssertiveA disconnect can occur when partners don’t understand the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. One partner may think she’s being ignored; the other partner may think he’s being nagged. The key here is knowing how to assert yourself, to make sure you are heard, but without attacking your partner.To create an assertive statement, you:1) Identify the behavior.2) Describe your emotion or what it makes you think.3) State the affect/impact it has on you.4) Ask for what you need.Assertiveness can vastly improve your communication with your partner. Try it and see what a difference it makes!Find the Lost ConversationCommunication is difficult for a number of reasons but the biggest has to be the fact that for every one exchange between two people there are actually three conversations going on. How is that possible?1) The Spoken Conversation - The first conversation is comprised of the words that are spoken – what you see and hear on the surface.2) The Hidden Conversation - There is a second unspoken conversation that is going on under the surface.3) The Unconscious Conversation - The third conversation is like a mental echo of the past. It is comprised of the baggage that we all bring into our relationship from our past.It is only by having a fourth conversation, the Lost Conversation, couples are truly able to move the conflict from an angry place to one that is more intimate, respectful and curious about each person’s feelings.Communication is not easy, even for us, and we do this for a living.Remember: Listen, listen, listen. Accept when your partner is emotional. Do not blame them; embrace the emotion. And instead of trying to figure out who’s right or wrong, be curious about your partner’s perspective: seek it out. Then switch roles. Make sure you state your feelings assertively so that your partner knows how you feel and what you want. Finally, dive below the surface, really dig, until you’ve arrived at the true conversation, the Lost Conversation. That is where you will find deep and lasting connection with your partner.To your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.