6 Essential Lessons in Marriage Maintenance
Let's go for a ride.We're going to show you how the journey through marriage is analogous to the journey through life with a new car. This juxtaposition could really hit home for the guys; it may be a good way to help your spouse understand what happens to a marriage when on cruise control, and why it is vital to take hold of the steering wheel and drive your marriage in the right direction.Car: I want you to imagine that you bought a new car, the one you've always wanted but never could afford - till now. It's shiny, has all kinds of cool gadgets and drives like a charm. You've never felt this way about any other car; you treasure it and are excited to begin your journey with this new, incredible automobile.Marriage: You finally found the woman of your dreams; you have dated so many but knew she was the one you wanted to be with - forever. Walking down the aisle she looks magnificent; you are the envy of all the guys there. She is the love of your life. The honeymoon is amazing. How exciting to begin this journey with the woman you admire and adore.Car: After the first year, you are still very happy with your car, but the novelty has worn off; you stopped parking it at the very back of every parking lot, and you found your first couple of dings. Oh, well, nothing looks brand new forever; it's still a fabulous car.Marriage: You are celebrating your first anniversary. The first few months were amazing but it's been more of an adjustment than you thought. You're very happy but less ecstatic than you were last year. You bicker over some little things but you are still very much in love.
Car: One day you feel like going for a drive, sans GPS; no specific destination in mind, just a vague idea about which direction you want to head. Feeling tired of driving you turn on your cruise control. Now you can relax.Marriage: Our marital journey doesn’t offer a GPS; we talked about having a family but never really mapped out how we would manage money or careers, or when we'd have kids. We are so busy, we put the marriage on cruise control; it'll happen in its own time.
Car: As you're cruising, your eyelids become heavy and just for a moment you start to fall asleep. The rumble strips awaken you with a jolt and you slam on the brakes. Wow, that was scary! I better stay awake for this ride. I could have lost control of the steering wheel and hit someone.Marriage: You've been cruising; kids and careers happen; life is focused on the kids - too much to do and not enough time; you're always sleepy. One day you see a young couple walking together hand in hand. Like a lightning bolt it hits you that you and your spouse aren't connected - no dates, no sex - you've lost control of the marriage. It scares you to think, "What if I am not 'in love' with her anymore?" Someone might get hurt here.
Car: Hitting the brakes so hard made your seat belt too snug. You're uncomfortable and want to unbuckle it, but know that would be dangerous.Marriage: This marriage is boxing me in; I want to run away but what would my life be like. I'm too scared to find out.
Car: All of a sudden you realize you've been driving for so long, you have run out of gas. You barely make it to the gas station but have only a few bucks. You get a quarter of a tank, just enough to get you home.Marriage: You feel the marriage is boring; you're more like roommates - your love tank is on empty. That night you have sex and feel connected but it's not like it used to be.
Car: The next day you see an ad for the new car models coming out. How wonderful it would feel to have the excitement of a new car; you are tempted to trade in your car for a newer model.Marriage: You start a new project at work and the new woman in your department is on your team. You have lunch with her and she admires your work. She's really pretty; you start to have feelings of excitement, butterflies, that you haven't had in years. You imagine what it would be like to have an affair and trade your wife in for a new woman.
The wonders and the risks of the journey with a new car mirror the wonders and risks of your journey in marriage. After the newness wears off, if you allow your marriage to run on cruise control, it may not last forever. So take the wheel and steer. And, if you see any warning lights, do not ignore them - marriage maintenance includes checking in with one another and getting regular tune-ups whenever needed.Here’s to your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.