9 Secrets for a Lifetime of Like, Love and Lust
Will your relationship last a lifetime? Will you and your partner enjoy each other’s company and have a deep and intimate connection, emotionally and sexually for as long as you both shall live?That is what we promise when we say, "I do." Yet the divorce rate hovers around 50% and it's estimated that 60% of men and 40% of women will have an affair during the lifetime of their marriage. It certainly doesn't appear that an overwhelming percentage of married couples are in matrimonial bliss.What does it take to create a relationship of "like, love and lust" - one that will last till death do us part? Having seen thousands of couples over our 23 years in practice together, Bob and I think we have the answer.These are our 9 Secrets for a Lifetime of Like, Love and Lust:
Secret #1 - Stay Awake
The busyness of our everyday lives - going to work, parenting kids, paying the bills, caring for parents, advancing in our careers - takes a tremendous toll on our time, energy and attention. No wonder it's not uncommon for couples to drift along and "forget" or not attend to the fact that, for their marriage to thrive, it too needs time, energy and attention. We often see couples who seem like they have slept through their marriage and, unintentionally or unconsciously, have drifted to the point of no return.Other couples believe, "If you really love your partner you shouldn't have to work at your relationship." Nothing could be further from the truth! Bob and I do this for a living and we work at it every day.The reality is that for a relationship to be passionate, loving and connected over a lifetime, two people must consciously be aware of, and attend to, their partnership; intimate relationships are a direct result of our loving thoughts, words and actions. You and your partner do have the ability to consciously co-create the marriage you want.Take the reins, understand that successful relationships require work and stay awake.
Secret #2 - Own Your Part
Most often on a couples’ first appointment each present what their partner is doing wrong. Blame abounds as each person states their case and wants us to choose who is right; and, therefore, who is wrong. Eyes are looking outward. Remember when one finger is pointing at someone else, three are pointing back at you.When it comes to relationships, the words, actions and behaviors of each partner interact to determine the quality of their relationship. No matter what the circumstance, everyone has a "part." It certainly is important to let your partner know what they are doing or not doing that would enhance your connection. AND it is vital for you to recognize the part you play in creating the state of the relationship at any moment. Turn your eyes inward. To be part of the solution you must identify your part of the problem.Step up and ask yourself, "What is my part of the problem and what can I change that will positively affect the relationship?"
Secret #3 - Believe in Growth
The beliefs a person has about human nature and relationships can have a huge impact on the fate of their partnership. Do you believe if two people are devoted to working on their relationship they can change their thoughts and behavior? No, you cannot change a person's personality, but people can change actions, thoughts and feelings.Do you believe that relationships can grow and evolve over time based upon partners' actions and communication? We have witnessed many couples change dynamics, patterns and habits.Believing that people and relationships can grow is vital to a relationship lasting a lifetime. Keep your eyes open to your partnership's potential.
Secret #4 - Communicate
There is no skill more important to a relationship's chance of lifetime success than communication; making the time and space to have ongoing dialogue, practicing listening, speaking up, and being genuine are the keys to good communication.Often we see couples who don't respect their partner's thoughts/feelings. No matter what the issue, it's vital to make room for each partner's opinions, views and feelings. Forget about being right! Focus on understanding your partner's point of view and having him/her understand yours. You don't have to agree with your partner's point of view: the act of hearing it, acknowledging it and respecting it is what's important. Only then can you problem solve as a team.Studies have shown that successful relationships have a balance of power and influence; act as a team no matter what the issue.When conflict arises turn arguments into disagreements. Arguments are defined as "a disagreement in which different views are expressed, often angrily." Disagreements are "the fact of having or expressing a different opinion and failing to agree about something." The difference? Arguments are filled with emotion, usually anger, while disagreements are not. When couples argue and emotions are high, they are unable to hear each other or solve problems.Turn an argument into a disagreement. When each partner takes responsibility for his/her own strong emotions, the couple can create a habit of taking a break, soothing their own emotions and coming back to the discussion.
Secret #5 - Stay "in Touch"
Some couples drift off into never, never land and don't realize it until a crisis occurs; for example, one partner has fallen out of love with the other or one person has an affair. Being "awake" is part of the answer (see Secret #1). You can stay connected by making a habit of talking about the relationship. Ask your partner how he/she is feeling about the connection, emotionally and sexually. Talk about what's going well and what you would like more/less of. Then act on that conversation. Don't assume everything is okay.Stay in touch on the levels of head, heart and hormones - i.e. talking, doing acts of love regularly and connecting erotically.
Secret #6 - Build Connections
It's estimated the average couple spends only 11 minutes a day together. Most likely, this is when couples are raising kids. Studies have consistently shown that marital satisfaction plunges after the birth of the first child. When children become the focus, and time and energy are spread thin, neglecting the relationship may become the new norm. When empty nest arrives, couples may have nothing left in common.It's up to you to continually build connections over a lifetime and find new ways to relate and enjoy each other's company; just the two of you. Whether it's talking about the news, taking dancing lessons, going to the symphony, riding bikes, taking up a cause, or watching movies, every couple needs to do activities that they enjoy together.Work as a team to decide what activities will nurture your connection. What experiences do you like to share and enjoy together? Carve out time to do those things; a strong marriage is the best gift you can give your children.
Secret #7 - Do Something Different
All couples get into daily habits: work, come home, watch TV, go to bed. However, routine can create feelings of boredom leading to relationships becoming stagnant. So break up the routine.Change it up. Be creative. Take a day off together. Go out for appetizers and drinks during the week. Spend a weekend or a night at a bed and breakfast. Seek out a new adventure that will add excitement and sparks to your marriage.
Secret #8 - Turn "Toward" Your Partner
There will be times in a lifetime relationship where you will feel disconnected, lonely or even unloved. There is no perfect relationship, only the relationship that is perfect for you. Be aware when you are having these feelings and communicate them to your partner. Bring it home to the relationship; do not start talking about your marital unhappiness with someone else, especially someone of the opposite sex.These are the times in a marriage where it becomes fragile and vulnerable to affairs, relational drift or emotional and sexual disconnection. The critical mistakes some people make during these times put the lives of their marriage and family at risk.The true test of a marriage is how people respond in the bad times. In vulnerable times, consciously turn toward your partner and, if needed, seek the help of a competent marital therapist.
Secret #9 - Persevere
In the millennium, life moves fast, responses are quick, immediate gratification is expected, patience is at an all-time low. Having a lifetime relationship that is happy, healthy and connected requires commitment, devotion, patience and perseverance. It can only be co-created by two people who work hard and weather many storms. The rewards of sharing a lifetime together are tremendous.Each of us has an innate drive when problems arise (1) to move toward the problem or (2) to move away away from it. In relationships that achieve a lifetime of like, love and lust, two people embrace the problems and persevere.Why do we strive to stay married for a lifetime?In the movie Shall We Dance (2004), with Susan Sarandon, Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez, there is a conversation between Sarandon’s character and a private investigator she's hired to find out if her husband is having an affair:Sarandon says to the investigator, "All these promises that we make and we break. Why is it, do you think, that people get married?"The investigator replies, "Passion."She responds, "No. Because we need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet. I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things...all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying, 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.'"We look for another to love and to cherish so we don't walk through life alone. To fully enjoy it, each of us needs to love and to be loved.To your lifetime relationship,Lori & Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.