Why Is Marriage for a Lifetime So Hard to Achieve?
"For better or worse, in sickness and health, till death do us part."
These are the words we speak on our wedding day. So why do so many couples find it difficult or impossible to achieve this?Here's what we think: In our parents' and grandparents' days men and women "needed" each other. The distinct roles of husbands and wives were necessary for a family to survive: men provided, women attended to kids and home. Certainly couples married for love but the survival aspect of the family kept them together even when love did not. Couples persevered through their struggles; giving up was not so much an option.In this day and age, we don't "need" each other to survive; our roles are less distinct. We can choose to switch roles or play both parts if we wish. And there is little social pressure to do otherwise. The only reason left to stay married is "love."Now don't get us wrong. Love is a wonderful reason to stay together, but over a lifetime there are going to be periods where love is challenged. Having children challenges the best marriages; some couples become child focused and stop nurturing the couple connection without even realizing it. Our careers challenge our marriages; working long hours, traveling, spending more time with co-workers than with our spouses. Caring for aging parents, illness, losing a job, money problems may test our ability to stay connected as a team. Divorce is accepted as an option when people don't feel their love.Staying married for a lifetime takes the awareness, effort, work, knowledge, skill and commitment of two people. A tall order but worth the work. Having a devoted partner to go through this journey increases the joy of life and decreases the burden.
"I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise."
~Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth
We would love to hear your thoughts about "achieving a lifetime relationship" on our Facebook page.Here's to your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.