After Conflict - 'Return to the Scene of the Crime'
Do we have to have conflict in marriage?Yes. No matter how wonderful the connection or how "in tune" partners are with each other, conflict is inevitable.John Gottman, renowned researcher on marriage and relationships, has been studying couples since the 1970s. His research has clearly shown the number one reason couples separate is their inability to resolve and repair conflict that occurs in their relationship.Learning how to face, embrace and "take on" conflict as a team, so it doesn't permanently harm the relationship, is a responsibility or "duty" that every partner has. Attempts to avoid it, or go around, under or over conflict do not work. We have to walk through it together to get to the other side of it, to understand and learn more about each other, to see our partner's vulnerabilities and strengthen the bond that leads to a deeply intimate connection.Bob and I have conflict like every other couple. And we have worked for years to find ways to approach it constructively for our clients and ourselves. It will always be a work in progress - it is the "work" of a healthy relationship.
After Conflict, the Only Way Out...
Bob is an ex-attorney, for those of you who don't know. He came up with a legal metaphor to explain the steps to resolve conflict.The only way out of conflict is to go back; i.e., "return to the scene of the crime," embrace the feelings and methodically walk back through what happened.Every couple has a responsibility or "duty" to protect the health of their emotional heart by practicing the following after conflict:
1. Return to the scene of the crime.
When conflict occurs, call a "time out." Take a break to calm down, so you can rationally come back and investigate what happened. Each partner must find a way to self-soothe. After 20 minutes ask your partner if they are ready to talk. If not, wait another 20 minutes and ask again. Each person has to be responsible for bringing themselves back to the table to communicate.
2. Review the facts of the case.
Analyze the scene based solely on the chronological, sequential and factual events as they unfolded within the episode in question. Walk through what happened and what was said, "frame by frame," with each person having a chance to say what he/she was thinking. During this review of events, assignment of blame, or determining right or wrong are forbidden and are considered illegal.
3. Investigate each other's feelings.
Each person has a chance to describe his/her/their perceptions and feelings during the episode. All feelings are accepted and validated as real to the person expressing them. It is illegal to challenge, refute or question the other's feelings. A better way is to probe further and be curious about feelings that are not understood, for the purpose of clarification.
4. Identify what crimes (or hurts) occurred.
Each partner must "own" and confess their role in the crime, and genuinely apologize for the pain they may have created, whether intentional or unintentional.
5. Determine how they can prevent that crime from happening again.
Go back to the scene of the crime and brainstorm ways that each partner could have handled or approached this or responded differently to increase the likelihood of this not being replayed in the future.Creating the practice of regularly resolving conflict makes it easier to do. And it will result in there being less conflict and more harmony.
"Peace is not the absence of conflict, it is the ability tohandle conflict by peaceful means."- Ronald Reagan
Your relationship deserves the highest level of support. Relationship Experts, Bob and Lori Hollander are committed to helping individuals and couples build connection and deepen bonds in a world that often makes it difficult.Call them at 410-363-2825 or email them today, info@relationshipswork.com.
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