Is Porn a Problem in Your Marriage?
Returning from our 4-day Psychotherapy Networker Symposium, I wanted to bring up an issue that is difficult for some: Pornography.It was the topic of several courses at our seminar. For better or worse, it is out there, and it's not going away. Therapists are hearing a lot about it in their offices. Then there is the issue of porn addiction.Obviously, the use of pornography can be a very challenging subject for couples to discuss. Yet, it really needs to be talked about. In our practice, I hear about it when it has become a crisis. People say things like:
I caught my husband watching porn and I'm devastated.
I use porn, but my wife doesn't know, and I feel guilty.
It's immoral, unacceptable and against my religious values.
I consider my partner's watching porn as cheating. It is a betrayal.
The part that bothers me most is that it was a secret.
I worry my spouse is comparing my body to the ones seen on the screen.
I feel tremendous shame and embarrassment about my use of porn.
Often, the first time a couple discusses this issue is when they are in crisis. The feelings can be quite intense.Bob and I have no judgement about people's choices. There are many men and women, individuals and couples, straight and gay partners who use porn and don't consider it a problem. It is part of a sexual menu of activities. It is incorporated into some couples' sexual repertoires. And, there are also those who abhor it and believe it's wrong and shameful.When couples come to us with these issues, they may be looking to me or Bob for a judgment about whether porn is right or wrong. There is no single right answer for every person and every couple. There are many debates about porn's impact on our society, which will likely not be resolved in our lifetimes.What's more important than the right or wrong of porn for individuals and couples is the following:
How does porn affect you? What does it mean to you?
Is porn acceptable to you? To your partner? And why?
What does it mean to you that your partner uses it and you don't?
What does it mean if it was a secret that was discovered?
What impact does it have on your relationship or marriage?
How are the two of you going to honestly come to an agreement about it being part of your relationship or not?
Is your partner entitled to have a part of his or her life that is private within agreed upon boundaries?
Where is the line beyond what is acceptable?
How can you talk about it authentically?
These are some of the questions we help couples deal with.If you haven't talked about it with your loving partner, husband or wife, think about having that conversation. If you need assistance, we are here to help.Dr. Sue Johnson, renowned couples therapy expert and creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, wrote an article for those who are concerning about "losing" a partner to porn:Losing a Loved One to Porn and What You Can Do About It. Check it out.We'd love to hear your thoughts about relationship issues on our Facebook page.
Your relationship deserves the highest level of support. Relationship Experts, Bob and Lori Hollander are committed to helping individuals and couples build connection and deepen bonds in a world that often makes it difficult.Call them at 410-363-2825 or email them today, info@relationshipswork.com.
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