Did You Marry Your Mother or Father?

Early on, I dated men who were emotionally distant, like my dad. I knew not all men were that way, but the loving, caring, considerate guys who respected women never seemed to show up. The more I studied psychology, the more I realized this wasn't just a coincidence.My favorite professor, Dr. Herbert Strean, from Rutgers University Graduate School of Social Work, drilled into us:

A client's chronic complaint is an unconscious wish for that very thing.

I wondered, "How could that apply to me? Does that mean my chronic complaint - i.e., there aren't any nice guys out there - was my unconscious wish? And that somehow, I was attracted to or choosing emotionally distant men? Why would I do that?"Dr. Strean explained that we often choose mates who are similar to our parents. After all, they are our first and most significant male and female models with whom we have to experience loving and being loved. That dynamic becomes hardwired into us emotionally. Even when a current relationship is not healthy, it is familiar and therefore comfortable.Unconsciously recreating old relationship patterns is a way of bringing our parent, and all that baggage, back into our lives. Why? Because we haven't worked out the original hurt, so we project it onto our partner, unconsciously thinking we can work it out with our significant other.Individual therapy is the best way to prevent this. Working through old baggage allows us to see our patterns consciously and recognize if we are repeating.I feel fortunate that I had the opportunity to work through my baggage before I met Bob. If I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have picked him. He was, after all, a man who could be emotionally close.

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If you and your partner are having trouble communicating, call us now. We are doing online therapy for Individuals and Couples. Call 410-363-2825 or email us now if your relationship is struggling.

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