The Secret to Connecting with Your Partner
“Sarah is a great wife; she has sacrificed so much for us, loved us so much; I don't understand why she’s so unhappy. What is happening to her and to our marriage?”
These were the first words expressed by Tom in session with his wife Sarah. Tom was baffled. He worked hard and provided for their family, so Sarah could stay home and raise their children. Isn't this the life she always wanted?Tom loved Sarah from the first day they met in high school. He raved about all she did for him and their 4 boys. His concern was that recently Sarah had a mysterious change of heart; she seemed withdrawn, less devoted to Tom and was doing less for the family.After several visits, Sarah revealed her deeper feelings. She was so supportive, so loving, so giving to their family that she exhausted herself. She did “everything” and felt she received little back. She believed she was not appreciated for who she was, but more for the tasks she did. No matter how hard she tried to connect emotionally with Tom, it just didn't happen. The more she invested in their relationship, the more she felt diminished and alone.These feelings had actually been building from the first day they had met, but neither she, nor Tom was aware of the extent and depth of the challenges it would create. Sarah loved Tom in high school and was drawn to him. They had great sex. Tom was funny, clever, sociable, and admired by people in the community. She had always felt a sense of happiness and completeness when she was with him.
Over the years, these feelings eroded and were replaced with resentment. She recounted how Tom’s priority had always been sports, not their marriage. He played softball two to three evenings a week. Once the kids came along he was involved in coaching the boys’ sports teams. Being an avid Orioles fan, he had season tickets with a buddy.It had been years since Sarah had taken care of herself. Now at mid-life she realized it was time to think about her needs. Sarah described growing up as the oldest of 8. As a surrogate mom, she was always doing for others and rarely received praise or appreciation from her exhausted mom. Her dad held down numerous jobs. She learned to subjugate her needs to others and expect little back. Closeness was not achieved by sharing feelings; it was the result of the tasks she did for others in the family.Uncovering this history helped Sarah see how her baggage set her up to recreate the role of “over-giver” in the family she built. Her resentment towards Tom was a fear that he would never love her for who she was; that he would only love her for the tasks she did.We encouraged Sarah to define what connection meant to her. Sarah said she felt connected to Tom when he...
- listened to her fully
- shared intimate thoughts and feelings with her
- did small thoughtful acts of love
Tom’s effort to work on these specific behaviors over time showed Sarah he valued her. This helped Sarah let go of her resentment and their connection improved.
So the secret to feeling connected in your relationship is for partners to define the concrete actions that create feelings of connection and make a conscious effort to do those very things.If you want to feel connected, do connecting things.