Emotional Baggage: How to Fly Light

Now that airlines are charging for bags, some of us have been tempted to travel sans luggage. Just imagine leaving your home without having to pack, and without a thought about what you might have forgotten. Imagine getting to the airport and heading straight to the gate, instead of standing in line to check your bags. And then, think about the freedom of boarding the plane without having to struggle with the overhead bin.Sound like a great fantasy? That's because it is one.The truth is that no one escapes this life without carrying his or her share of emotional baggage - even the most well-adjusted among us.Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Neil Warren say, "History is what has happened in our lives. Baggage is how we feel about it." The way you perceive, cope with and respond to the hurts you’ve experienced in the past, affects how you will live the rest of your life.The following story illustrates what we mean:Recently, two couples came to us for Couple to Couple Coaching. They both wanted to deal with difficulties around handling money.Alice and JeffAlice liked to buy clothes, but she felt guilty spending money and hid her shopping from Jeff.In Jeff's baggage were his feelings about his parent's divorce - a break-up blamed on his mother's shopping addiction.In our sessions with Alice and Jeff, we determined that Alice was not a "shopping addict," and she committed to changing her behavior. At the same time, Jeff dug deep into his history, expressing and facing the pain he had experienced growing up. For the first time, Alice saw how deeply Jeff's parent's divorce had wounded him.We helped Jeff understand that Alice's behavior was a trigger for him, and that while it needed to be changed, it was not the cause of his intense feelings of anger. Those came from his history.With this insight, Jeff was able to separate his feelings toward his mother from his feelings toward Alice. They did well in therapy and worked through their issues as a team.Jenna and SteveJenna loved expensive shoes and hid her purchases from her husband Steve. In Steve's baggage, were his feelings about his father's business failing and the dramatic change in his family's social status that followed the bankruptcy.In therapy, Steve stated that Jenna was going to bankrupt them. But when we connected his rage at her with his rage at his father growing up, he rejected the idea outright. He could not accept that his past had anything to do with what was happening in his marriage today. They continued to fight and argue and ended up separating.What made the difference between these two couples was that Jeff embraced his history and Steve denied his. Of course, we worked on the current money issues each couple presented, but when we dug beyond the present - into the past - Jeff could face his pain and Steve couldn't. It prevented him from letting go of his intense anger at Jenna.What's in your bags?Your partner will at some point trigger your emotional baggage. If you keep your suitcase locked, denying your baggage, it will find a way to rear its ugly head and control you.Unpacking your bags and facing what's inside will help you let go and prevent your relationship from becoming bogged down by the load. The best way to heal is to face your emotional baggage, embrace it and share it with your partner. If you can't do it alone, we are here to help.