Facing Emotional Baggage: Deal or No Deal?

When emotional lightning strikes and a dark cloud of emotional baggage is looming, do you choose "deal" or "no deal?" That is, do you run away from the feelings or towards them?Experiencing an emotional lightning strike - i.e. disappointment, hurt, trauma or tragedy - triggers physical, mental and emotional reactions. When our body perceives danger or a threat to our survival, our fight or flight mechanism is triggered. Our automatic, biological response is to either fight off the danger or flee from it to survive.Our minds similarly and automatically respond when adversity strikes. If we can cope with the pain, we remain emotionally aware of the intense feelings and face and embrace them, allowing the feelings to remain in our conscious minds. We find ways to get the support we need to soothe the pain and recover.When the feelings are excruciating and we can't cope with the pain, our mind uses psychological defense mechanisms or strategies that work to protect us from intolerable emotional feelings.There are a host of psychological defenses that may automatically kick in including:

• Denial – a refusal to accept the reality of what is happening.
• Repression – keeping the distressing thoughts and feelings in the unconscious; this may include not remembering the trauma.
• Projection – attributing your unacknowledged feelings to another person.
• Displacement – taking the emotion from its true origin and attributing it to something or someone less threatening.
• Suppression – consciously choosing not to attend to the emotion, until you are ready to acknowledge it.
• Altruism – using your experience of pain to help others.

Research has shown that when we are able to use suppression or altruism, we feel greater optimism and success in relationships. On the other hand when we deny, repress or project our disturbing emotions, we are more likely to have a poor adjustment and more relationship conflict.How we react to an emotional lightning strike and defend or cope with the dark cloud of baggage is developed in childhood. Our genetic makeup along with observing how our parents and others respond to difficulty influences the way we learn to respond. People who have caring, supportive, loving relationships are more likely to develop resilience - the ability to meet adversity head on and adapt. Resilience involves using feelings, thoughts and actions to bounce back. To the disbelief of many, it is something that can be learned.At some point in our lives, we all experience a lightning strike and a dark cloud looming. Gather support and encouragement from family, friends, and/or a therapist and choose "deal" - to run towards your feelings. You can't choose to have adversity or not, but you can choose how you see it. If you face it, feel it, think about it and act upon it you will develop the resilience to open your suitcase and unload your emotional baggage.Do you tend to face your baggage? Or run from it? Why?