Isn't Blaming My Parents for My Baggage An Excuse?

In our work with couples we often dig up family history to see how each partner's baggage is contributing to current conflicts. Often times we hear people say:

I don't want to blame my parents. It's my responsibility.

They did the best they could.

I'm an adult now; that has nothing to do with my current situation.

Just what is the purpose of digging up family history and hurts from childhood and adolescence?The purpose is not to blame. It is to observe and understand what we experienced in our most vulnerable years with our parents and how that contributed to forming our personality and creating our beliefs, thoughts, feelings and perceptions.A deep understanding of who we are and how we came to be sets us free from the chains of our baggage. In this process, feelings of anger and blame may arise, but the purpose is to face the feelings and feel them deeply, to walk through them, since walking around them, under or over them, doesn’t work.We don't blame to get stuck in our anger, we blame in service of forgiving or letting go of the baggage.If you'd like to explore emotional baggage further, we recommend the following books:When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationshipsby David RichoEmotional Resilience: Simple Truths for Dealing with the Unfinished Business of Your Pastby David S. ViscottUnclaimed Baggage: Dealing with the Past on Your Way to a Stronger Marriageby Don Frank and Jan Frank