Engage Fear, Anger, and Love to Create Emotional Intimacy
"...there's nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood. And understanding someone else." ~ Brad Meltzer
Did you ever know a couple who never argued or disagreed, who were the envy of other couples in your circle of friends, who appeared to be the perfect pair (so you thought)? Then, the next thing you knew, they were getting divorced.You might be surprised by this but we're not. Often people think the most stable relationships are the ones that appear the most peaceful, most agreeable, the least cantankerous, which is not necessarily the truth.The deepest emotional connections of love and intimacy are the ones where each partner is genuine and authentic and expresses the most difficult feelings at the most difficult times; where you choose not to hide; where you are willing to engage each other in the real feelings; where you express your anger, your fear, your pain and your love to your partner.Being emotionally intimate is no small endeavor. It can truly be scary. Becoming deeply connected means you choose to be vulnerable; you choose to deal with your feelings of pain and hurt; you have the awareness that you may lose your partner, if not through separation, through death. Strange paradox, it is.Some partners unconsciously use anger and fear to keep their relationship from getting too deep, too close. It's risky to put your heart out there knowing at some point you will feel hurt, you will get angry, you will feel rejected. The beauty is you will also experience the deepest, most fulfilling, most intimate emotional connection possible.Couples who see us for therapy have often experienced a measure of hurt and pain in their relationship. Some people will allow this to define the relationship and stay in their anger and fear without letting go, without forgiving, as a way of protecting themselves and insulating themselves from being hurt yet again. Others may disengage from their partner and withdraw from the relationship, or look to another person outside the relationship, for the solution.It's vital for couples to know the true path to deep emotional connection and intimacy is through each partner's willingness to consciously get "emotionally naked" at the same time; to express and explore their deep sadness, hurt, fear and love. It is the sharing of, and the empathy with, the other's vulnerability that creates a resilient bond and allows the couple to unite in a unique and authentic way.So the couple who never quarrels and seems like the perfect pair is not the couple who has the greatest emotional bond. It is the couples who express themselves and their differences, who engage in their struggles in a constructive way, who may be contrary at times, and who also express their love, who are the most deeply intimate. You must engage in many ways to be truly close.
"We have a group of very passionate, romantic couples.
They sort of enjoy the bickering and the arguing...to them, it symbolizes real involvement and connection."
~ John Gottman, PhD, from his Univ. of Washington "Love Lab"
To your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.