5 Tips For Talking About Sexual Intimacy
Debbie: He is always asking me for sex. He would be happy if we did it once a day, or twice for that matter; I would be fine with sex once a month.Lori: Have you always felt that way?Debbie: No, only in the last few years since we had kids. I'm exhausted all the time; I rarely sit down to eat or relax. There's always something that has to be done. I don't have time to think about sex!Lori: Debbie, when was the last time you and Scott talked about this issue?Debbie: We never talk about it; we just argue about it!Debbie and Scott are not unusual. It is the rare couple who talks about sexual intimacy in their relationship. Just like emotional intimacy, if a couple doesn't attend to their sexual connection, it will fade away.Often couples avoid the topic of sex because they don't know how to effectively resolve their differences.Here's what happens:The discussion begins with each partner expressing his/her needs; then, instead of each person listening and validating the other’s needs even if they are different, they start the blame game about who is right and who is wrong - the person with the higher sexual drive wanting more affection and sex and the one with the lower sexual drive feeling pressured to have sex.Here's the result:For men, when their lovemaking advances are turned down frequently they feel hurt and rejected; if this becomes habitual, at some point they will shut down and stop asking. For women, they may either withdraw emotionally and physically or they may have "obligatory" sex when they really don't want to, and build up unexpressed resentment. Chronic arguing about this topic drives further distance between couples. And so goes the drift...Sexual intimacy is a vital part of a relationship that must be discussed. Once you do it gets easier.Here are 5 Tips For Talking About Sexual Intimacy:1) Discuss it sooner rather than later. The longer you wait to communicate the harder it gets.2) Talk about it outside the bedroom. It's not very romantic to have a discussion about sex under the covers.3) Be respectful and kind, and be authentic. It's how you say something that matters. If you're not honest with your partner, intimacy will not result.4) State your needs clearly using "I" statements.5) Validate each other's needs and feelings without making the other wrong. Then problem-solve together so both of your needs are met to the fullest extent possible.We would love to know your thoughts about finding your sexual intimacy on our Facebook page.Here's to your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.