How Do You Receive Love?

Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within
yourself that you have built against it.
-Rumi

“It’s easier to give love than receive it.” Abbey enjoyed bestowing compliments, gifts and acts of kindness upon others; but she didn’t like receiving them herself. She especially had a hard time allowing her husband, Jim, to “give” to her. When Jim told her she looked beautiful, she brushed him off. When he gave her flowers, she asked why he spent so much money on her.Jim was frustrated and confused. Why didn’t Abbey graciously accept the loving gestures he offered her? Abbey didn’t know why. She said it just made her uncomfortable. She asked, “Why is receiving love harder than giving?”We dug into Abbey’s history. Her father was alcoholic and emotionally absent from the family. Her mother was overwhelmed working full time while raising her and her brother. Abbey was the good girl, the “helper” always trying to please. No matter how much she gave she never got the love she needed from her parents. She grew up feeling “unworthy” of love; and defended herself emotionally by becoming super independent and not needing anyone.In therapy Abbey gained insight into how her history hindered her from learning to receive love. Her walls automatically went up especially when Jim offered love. She was afraid of being vulnerable, of being rejected, of letting go of fear. The negative voice in her head asked, “Am I deserving of love? Was it real? Did he really mean it? Will I be rejected if I let him in?” Her fear was palpable. Allowing herself to feel loved now, brought up all the feelings of being unloved and “not good enough” as a child.As she worked through her history and came to understand more about her fear of vulnerability, Abbey started to believe that she was loveable. Her father’s lack of emotional connection had nothing to do with her. Her mother did love and validate her, even though Abbey was on her own much of the time growing up.Abbey worked on trusting Jim. He had been there over the years through good times and bad. He consistently expressed love to her and reached out to be close. Letting him in was scary, but Abbey did it anyway. She worked on consciously receiving the loving gestures that Jim put forth. She grew to receive Jim’s love and they became more connected than ever.If it’s hard for you to receive love, here are some steps to take:1) Value yourself. To receive others’ love, you must love yourself. Validate the gifts you have to offer. If that’s difficult, look inside for the roots of feeling unworthy. Dig deep to find where they came from. We are not born unworthy; we learn to internalize that feeling. Find where it came from and differentiate the past from the present.2) Embrace gifts of love.Let yourself be vulnerable. Accept compliments, gifts, acts of service, kindness and love - even if it’s uncomfortable. Practice “just saying thank you.” Allow it to wash over you. Tell yourself you are worthy of these gifts.3) Remember it’s a gift to others to receive.Accepting love makes the other person feel good. When you reject or refuse a gift from someone else, they feel hurt. It blocks them from loving you. Receiving is the road to completing connection. Stay in the present moment and allow closeness in.You can’t truly be connected to your partner if you don’t love yourself.

It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you,
rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.
- Eartha Kitt

Deep love happens when two whole people who value themselves choose to give and receive love from each other. Choose wisely.