Is He "Really" Cheating?

At their first appointment, we asked Scott and Karen what brought them to see us.Karen: “Scott has been cheating on me.”Scott: “I wasn’t cheating. I connected up with an old girlfriend from high school on Facebook and we exchanged a few emails.”Karen: “And what was in the emails?”Scott: “We were talking about old times and she was a little flirtatious.”Karen: “And you flirted back.”Scott: “It wasn’t cheating.  You’re making too big of a deal about it.”Just what is the definition of cheating? Most people would agree that having sex with someone outside a marriage is cheating. But what about just a kiss or a caress?  How about a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex?  What if there is no physical contact with the other person, e.g. phone sex, cyber sex or flirtatious emails?  Is secretly watching pornography cheating?The fact is that the definition of cheating is in the eye of the beholder.  There is no one definition of betrayal.  The element that connects all of these behaviors is secrecy.  It is the secret between partners that creates distance and erodes the trust. When a person hides their actions, they instinctively know it would upset their partner.  It is behaving in a way that you otherwise would not, if your partner was there, that creates betrayal.So is Scott cheating?  The emails were secret and hidden from Karen, it was something he would not have done in front of her and Karen finding it created feelings of betrayal and mistrust.  The answer is yes, in Karen’s eyes, he cheated.Shirley Glass, Ph.D. says, “Most people mistakenly think it is possible to prevent affairs by being loving and dedicated to one’s partner.  I call this the ‘Prevention Myth,’ because there is no evidence to support it.  My experience as a Marital Therapist and Infidelity Researcher has shown me that simply being a loving partner does not necessarily insure your marriage against affairs.  You also have to exercise awareness of the appropriate boundaries at work and in your friendships.”Talk with your partner about boundaries in your relationship. Where do you see the boundaries and what makes you feel they are crossed?  This is your best protection against a break in trust.We would love to hear your thoughts about your definition of betrayal on our Facebook page.To Your Relationship,Lori and Bob HollanderSign up for our monthly eNewsletter, Radical Relationships, to receive more tips and articles from us about relationships.