Listen In: How Two Relationship Therapists Used Time-Out
Lori was preparing to have 23 people at our home for her step-dad's 90th birthday. Being the organized person she is, the plans were meticulously laid out in her head - and on her lists. The help she needed from me was to execute certain critical tasks in preparation for the party, like sending me out for just a few last minute items. But alas, I had my own ideas about the party, which I neglected to share with Lori.When I returned from my "junk food shopping spree" with much more than was on the list, Lori, shall we say, raised her voice. (Lesson: Never go shopping when you are hungry.)Though I am not much of a party planner, I have learned what to do when Lori gets upset. The sensitive part of me did not become hijacked by my emotions, for I had a plan in place, which I executed to perfection.First, I recognized that Lori's response was more about her stress, and really had nothing to do with my efforts. My going "off script," in good faith, triggered Lori's feeling that I didn't do the job she had asked me to do. Before the situation became combustible, I knew further dialogue at that time would not help; so, I stopped talking and took a time-out.During this time-out, I chose not to escape into victimhood; i.e., "become 'little Bobby' being scolded by my mommy." It was critical to not express an angry response. Of course, I felt angry and hurt, but I processed the feelings instead of allowing them to capture me. I was able to enter not only my world, but also Lori's world, and understand the thoughts and feelings she was experiencing.I left Lori alone and trusted she would recognize her overreaction and come back to me, which she did. (We have both learned to own our parts of managing conflict.) Within minutes, Lori apologized for snapping at me. And I responded as the take-charge guy, protecting the relationship when Lori was in turmoil.We did not do an analysis about "who was right and who was wrong," as we have learned it doesn't really matter. We were both right from our perspectives. We came from a place of understanding and genuine concern for the other.I really didn't even think an apology was needed, although it felt good - maybe as an acknowledgement of the effort I made to protect the relationship, and Lori. It made sense that Lori would snap given the pressure, and I just felt fortunate I was able to help out with the relationship at a critical time.As it turned out, the party went off without any further hitches, we worked great as a team, were terrific hosts, and all had a wonderful time.
Using Time-Out in Your Relationship
When either partner feels they are becoming hijacked by their thoughts or feelings, try these tips for using time-out in your relationship.
In a non-emotional manner tell your partner:
I need a time-out. (All discussion must cease at this time.)
But, I will be back shortly.
Pursuit of the partner calling the time-out is a "crime" against the laws of relationships. When one partner needs a time-out, it is not an avoidance of the conflict. It is avoiding an escalation of the conflict. No one can work through conflict when they are highly charged.
During time-out, both partners must satisfy the duty of introspection, trying to grasp the presumption that the problem between the couple is primarily a failure of understanding each other.
Both partners - the one withdrawing and the one withdrawn from - must unilaterally return within 20 minutes.
The partner adjudged to have experienced the greater emotional upset speaks first, with the other assuming their duty to protect the relationship. Although such a determination is clearly subjective, it is usually quite obvious at the beginnings of conflict.
If either partner is thereupon hijacked, another time-out is called immediately, and the process repeated, doubling refraction time (time away).
When the partners are able to re-engage on the level of underlying hurt and fear, rather than on the level of anger, the duty to protect as well as the duty to return to the scene of the crime are again triggered.
If you practice these tips, you too can manage conflict and not allow resentment to grow. This is one of the secrets to a happy and healthy relationship for a lifetime.
Your relationship deserves the highest level of support. Relationship Experts, Bob and Lori Hollander are committed to helping individuals and couples build connection and deepen bonds in a world that often makes it difficult.Call them at 410-363-2825 or email them today, info@relationshipswork.com.
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