Map Your Personal Journey to Extraordinary: The Second Step (Part II of IV)

The act of compassion begins with full attention, just as rapport does. You have to really see the person. If you see the person, then naturally, empathy arises. If you tune into the other person, you feel with them. If empathy arises, and if that person is in dire need, then empathic concern can come. You want to help them, and then that begins a compassionate act. So I'd say that compassion begins with attention. - Daniel GolemanLast week, we got began our journey down Extraordinary Relationship Lane and visited our first stop, the city of Conscious & Active Co-Creation. Today, we are back in the car and make our second stop at the city of Courageous Awareness & Compassionate Understanding of Self & Partner.Courageous Awareness means being aware of, and taking responsibility for, your part in creating the state of the relationship. So often when couples having problems come to see us, they bring a list of everything the other is doing/has done wrong. They have no trouble articulating their inventory of complaints about their partner. There is blame all around.Often they look to the therapist for acknowledgement that their point of view is right. To their surprise, we validate that both of their points of view are "right" from their chair and that the goal is to help them understand each other's perceptions, not figure out who is right or wrong. Then we ask the million dollar question to each partner: "What is your part in creating this problem?" There is an awkward silence. It is so much easier to blame others than to look at ourselves and how we contribute to enabling the problem.When couples really "get" this - i.e. the importance of stopping the blame game and looking at their own part - the level of anger and tension between them lessens significantly.Compassionate Understanding refers to knowing who your partner is as an individual (awareness of your partner), understanding the baggage he/she carries from childhood and adulthood, and having a deep sense of empathy for your partner, in good times and bad. It also means having knowledge of your "self," understanding your baggage and being able to be kind to yourself.So, on this second stop, eyes look deeply inward at yourself and compassionately at your partner. This is the kind of work that leads to a very deep connection.To your relationship,Lori & Bob HollanderWhere do you start on the journey to an extraordinary relationship?Since every relationship is different, there is no one general starting point. Each couple must consider where they stand now, and from that assessment, create their own unique roadmap. In therapy, we help couples create their roadmaps everyday, but we’ve also created a 48-question assessment tool called How Close Are You to Extraordinary? that will give you immediate feedback on where your relationship is now, plus recommendations for your Personal Starting Point and also the Relationships Work’s resources that will support you in exploring that area. Check it out now.