Power Up Communication with Assertiveness

Every time we speak, we choose and use one of four basic communication styles: assertive, aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive. The only healthy communication style is assertive communication. ~ Jim Rohn

It's Saturday morning. Emma and Ian sleep late and then mosey down to the kitchen for their morning coffee. Emma sees Ian's dirty dishes from last night on the family room coffee table.Emma: You never clean up after yourself! You always leave your dishes in the family room. Who do you think is supposed to clean up after you?Ian: You're so compulsive! Two nights ago I cleaned up my dishes. So last night I left them for this morning. What's the big deal?Sound familiar?When we speak in anger our communication often takes on an aggressive style. We:

• Start sentences with "You..."
• Blame
• Exaggerate
• Attack

The aggressive response we receive back from our partner mirrors our style. He/She:

• Start sentences with "You..."
• Counter-blames
• Provides facts to disprove our exaggeration
• Attacks back
• Invalidates our feelings

Consequently, the conversation either escalates and a fight ensues or the couple retreats and withdraws. Either way nothing gets resolved.If Emma used an assertive style, here's how the conversation would go:Emma: Ian, when I wake up and find dishes in the family room, it really annoys me. Would you please make an effort to clean up before you go to bed? It would mean a lot to me since I feel better when our house is neat.Ian: Sorry honey, I'll do better. I know it's one of the little things that means a lot to you. I'll clean it up right now and try to be more consistent.Speaking assertively means we:

• Start sentences with” I” to indicate that we “own” the feeling
• Describe the bothersome behavior, but acknowledge the fact that it might not annoy another person; i.e. the behavior itself is not "wrong."
• Identify, not judge, the other person's actions
• Express how the action makes us feel and what affect it has on us
• Ask for what we need

Using assertive messages usually begets a more humble, non-defensive and agreeable response from our partner. He takes responsibility for his behavior, acknowledges our feelings and works on problem solving.Here are the steps to creating an assertive statement:1) Identify the behavior.When...

• I’m criticized
• I'm not feeling heard
• the towels are left on the floor

2) Describe your emotion or what it makes you think.I feel...

• unappreciated
• worried
• hurt
• frustrated
• sad

I think…

• I'm no good
• I'm not worth listening to
• I'm not important

3) State the affect/impact it has on youBecause...

• We are not connecting
• I am not getting you to understand
• I have to clean it up

4) Ask for what you needI need to...I would like...It would mean a lot to me if...I’d appreciate it if...It would make me so happy if...Learning to communicate assertively takes time. It may be awkward at first but with consciousness and practice, it can become your habitual style. Assertiveness can vastly improve your communication with your partner. Try it and see what a difference it makes!We would love to hear your thoughts about assertiveness on our Facebook page.Here's to your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander

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Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.