Power Up Communication by "Making Your Partner’s Case"
The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them. ~ Ralph Nichols
Nancy: He won't tell me what time he is coming home. I can't believe how inconsiderate he is.Rod: I used to do my best to give her a time, but if I was even 15 minutes late, I would walk in the door and get yelled at, so I stopped giving her an exact time. I can't stand how controlling she is.Often couples enter counseling, present their respective cases, blame each other and defend their points of view. A tug of war about who's right and who's wrong ensues.The truth is, more often than not, we could make a case either way.Nancy wants to know what time Rod is coming home after work as a matter of consideration and so she can plan what time they will eat dinner. If Rod is going to be more than 15 minutes late, she feels he should call her as a matter of respect.Rod is a nurse and cannot predict exactly what time he will be home each night due to the unforeseeable nature of his work. He feels Nancy's expectations are unrealistic and believes she is trying to control him.When partners get stuck in defending their positions, they fail to understand the other’s point of view. A better and more productive way to dialogue is to become curious about, and interested in, understanding each other’s needs and point of view; understand-
ing it so well that you could "make the other’s case."Through counseling Rod was able to see that Nancy's intention was not to control him; she wanted her time to be respected and her plans depended upon his. Nancy was able to understand that the nature of Rod's work; he didn't have control over the time he left. As Nancy's expectations became more realistic, she recognized that Rod meant no disrespect.Until you can make your partner's case, you really don't understand. And until you understand both points of view, you can't function as a team. It's not about who's right or wrong; it's about being able to recognize and make your partner's case so well that you can present either side. Then, and only then, can the two of you problem-solve as a team.We would love to hear your thoughts about making each other’s case on our Facebook page.Here's to your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.