Signs You Might Be Heading for an Affair
Good people do have affairs. Really, you say?Yes, I can attest to this. I see it in my office every day. A person comes in and says, "I’m not a liar. I never thought I could do this. This is not who I am." And it's true. They are honest, authentic people who you would never imagine this could happen to. They're the ones you hear about and think, "I can't believe she had an affair," meaning, I didn't think she was "that kind of person."In her book, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships, world-renowned therapist Mira Kirshenbaum says,
What shall we call them? Not cheaters. “Cheaters” is a name for callous, mustache-twirling creeps and low-slung nymphomaniacs who are just trying to get away with something. It’s a name for users. For sociopaths… [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent="yes" overflow="visible"][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type="1_1" background_position="left top" background_color="" border_size="" border_color="" border_style="solid" spacing="yes" background_image="" background_repeat="no-repeat" padding="" margin_top="0px" margin_bottom="0px" class="" id="" animation_type="" animation_speed="0.3" animation_direction="left" hide_on_mobile="no" center_content="no" min_height="none"][These are] good people who made a mistake and got themselves into a complicated, messy, dangerous situation.
Experts estimate about 20 - 40% of women and 40 - 60% of men will cheat on their partners at some point during the lifetime of their relationships. So there are many "good people" who slide down the slippery slope of an affair, emotional or sexual. And they are appalled and confused by their own behavior.
The best way to make sure this doesn't happen to you is to be aware thatit can happen. Feed and nurture your relationship daily and protect theinvisible boundary around your connection.
In her bestselling book, NOT "Just Friends", Shirley Glass uses the metaphor of "walls and windows" to describe intimacy between couples. Simply put: Walls separate people. Windows let others in.Becoming committed partners involves opening up your individual walls and creating a boundary around your relationship; a private space where only you and your partner exist. You share personal information and relationship experiences that you reveal to no one else.Getting close also involves opening windows; letting your partner in to places you formerly kept closed; sharing intimately, emotionally and sexually.One of the warning signs of an affair is developing cracks in the walls and opening windows to others outside the committed relationship.
You send private text messages to someone and hide them from yourpartner. You message an old boyfriend on FB without telling your spouse.You go to lunch or happy hour with co-workers and then make a lunchdate to meet one of them alone. You have a drink and share morepersonal information than you normally would with a colleague and,in response, they do the same. You start talking about topics that should bebehind the wall with your partner and open a window to this new person.You discuss the issues you have in your committed relationships andcomplain about your partner. You don't want to stop.
These are the types of interactions that are red flags; warning signs that an affair is about to begin; the start of the slippery slope many good people fall into.If you recognize these signs in yourself, stop and think about what you are doing. Turn toward your partner. Ask yourself what is going on in your relationship or marriage? Why is this happening now? Are you feeling bored or disconnected from your spouse? Have you drifted apart emotionally or sexually? Then, go to your partner and address these issues.Love is a verb. You feel your love when you do loving actions. If you're bored, plan something new or exciting. If you are disconnected, do a connecting activity. If you have drifted, talk about the feelings and how you can become closer again. Have more sex – initiate it.Repair those cracks in your relationship wall and close the window to others. It only takes a minute to destroy trust in a relationship that has been built over years.It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but couples can and do survive affairs. If you need assistance with any issues about betrayal, contact us by phone (410-363-2825) or email. We would be glad to work with you and/or your partner.Image Copyright auremar[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]