The Courage to Hope After an Affair
Dealing with extramarital affairs is a life-altering experience. It's more than just dealing with the affairs themselves (as if that weren't enough). It's dealing with the fact that nothing is the way you thought it was. Your dreams of the "perfect marriage," however unrealistic, have been shattered. ~ Peggy Vaughan, author, To Have and to Hold: A Personal Handbook for Preventing Affairs
"I always said, 'If my wife ever had an affair, I would leave.' But when it happens to you it's not quite that simple."We hear this often. About 50% of the couples we see in our practice come in after the discovery or revelation of an affair. The devastation perpetrated upon a marriage by infidelity is unlike any other. It can be compared to the path of destruction left by a tornado - the resulting damage and pain are profound.The partner who has been betrayed feels their world has been turned upside down. All the certainties she/he had taken for granted are called into question:
Who is this person I am married to? Did I even know him/her? Was our marriage a farce? How could I not have known? What's wrong with my judgment? What will my future be? If our marriage has a chance of survival, how does anyone get over this and learn to trust again?
Though there is usually little focus or sympathy for the partner who has done the betraying we can tell you that he/she also experiences tremendous angst:
How could I have hurt the person I love? Why did I do this? Does this mean I really never loved him/her? Who am I? I never thought I could do something like this. What kind of person am I – a cheater, a liar? How can I deal with my guilt and self-hatred?
In our first session with this couple, our aim is to give hope. Having seen many couples travel the road from discovery to recovery, we know a marriage can survive, though it’s a long and difficult journey. Patience, perseverance and teamwork are vital, as is therapy. Sifting through the extreme emotions, exploring and figuring out what and how this happened is not a task for the fainthearted. It takes tremendous courage and resolve for each person to face their individual anguish and to do it alongside their partner; and, to seek help.On their first session we see people walk down the hall to our office, the betrayed "dripping with pain," the betrayer, eyes to the ground, filled with shame. How courageous to be feeling all that and face us therapists, absolute strangers, knowing you will be exposing and revealing your deepest, darkest secrets. If this isn't valiant, we don't know what is.
The way through the emotional turmoil of affairs is through - not over or around. The process of healing and growth is not the steady, smooth progression we would like it to be. It's more often a series of ups and downs, dramatic improvements and depressing backslides, progressions and regressions - a moving back and forth between periods of clear thinking and emotional confusion - with an occasional plateau thrown in. ~ Peggy Vaughan, author, The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs
With persistence, hard work and support marriages can recover from an affair. We are available to support couples doing this work.
Where there is courage there is hope.
We would love to know what you think about the healing after an affair on our Facebook page.Here's to your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.