Silence is Golden, Especially When Communicating
The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words. ~ Rachel Naomi Remen
Before you read further, close your eyes for 10 seconds and picture yourself in the act of "communicating" with your partner.What did you see? Did you picture yourself talking or listening, speaking or being silent?We bet most people saw themselves talking - expressing their thoughts, feelings and opinions, not listening or being silent. Unless you are a therapist, communication is seen as a process where one partner speaks and then the other partner speaks. Even in the dictionary, the word dialogue is defined as "an exchange of ideas and opinions; two or more people conversing." Listening in silence is not generally thought of as part of the process, most likely because it is perceived as inactive.Yet speaking AND listening in silence are both essential and active ingredients in the communication process. When we coach couples on communicating and managing conflict, often the most difficult part is getting partners to stop talking - to listen - especially when emotions run high. Sometimes it's even hard for us to do that with each other (and we do this for a living).What is so tough about zipping our lips, being quiet, hearing what our partner has to say? The desire to speak and express ourselves, to be heard and understood, to share and be validated, especially when we have strong feelings, is extremely powerful. Holding one's voice back takes patience, restraint and time.When our partner's perspective differs from our own, our impulse is to respond, to challenge their perspective, to prove we are right and convince them of the same. Instead of looking to further understand his/her vision, we focus on explaining ours even more.Without silence, without actively listening and understanding each other's stance, a couple will get nowhere except more entrenched in their opposing beliefs.
Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.
~ Stephen R. Covey
Silence and active listening are the golden keys to effective communication and the door to connection. Active listening means being quiet, pausing to have a conscious conversation where you clear your mind of your own thoughts and feelings, and entertain another's point of view that you may not agree with or understand. It means letting go of being right; or, maybe even admitting you're wrong. It means listening to the words, interpreting them from your partner's eyes, being able to "make their case" despite your judgment; being able to paraphrase their thoughts and feelings whether or not you concur.Next time you are communicating about something difficult with your partner, use silence and active listening. You will see what a difference it makes.
Remember to bite your tongue -
the person with the most scars wins.
We would love to know what you think about silence and active listening on our Facebook page.LHere's to your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.