The Pursuit of Intimacy
Becoming intimate - being truly vulnerable, transparent and genuine with your partner - is not for the faint of heart. It requires you to have the emotional strength and spiritual courage of a warrior who is committed to take on the difficult challenge ahead and never surrender. It takes a willingness to learn how your partner wants to be loved, emotionally and sexually, and to honor that. To succeed will be the greatest victory imaginable. The payoff is well worth the effort as it is a gift that keeps on giving for a lifetime.How do you begin your journey down the path to intimacy?First, you need to know what true intimacy is. When we say “intimacy” you might relate this to one of two things: sex or romance. But being intimate with your partner goes much deeper than that. Intimacy is the profound connection and synthesis of heart, mind, body and soul. It is created when two people are committed to a deep awareness of self and partner as well as to being vulnerable, transparent and genuine in their communication and actions. Emotional and erotic love blend together and an extraordinary relationship is born.Once you understand the nature of intimacy then you can begin the journey toward a deeper connection with yourself. Yes, the level of connection in a relationship starts with one’s ability to emotionally connect. You need to recognize, embrace and articulate your full range of feelings. Being emotionally intimate takes two people being able to access their own inner world. Only then will you have a frame of reference to dive deeply and empathically into the world of the other. Journaling about your feelings and your relationship is a good way to stay connected with yourself.But if intimacy is all it’s cracked up to be, why is there so much fear surrounding it?Simple, really. True intimacy means accepting the risk of being hurt and disappointed, of feeling deeply rejected, of being controlled or lost in the other person. Why would anyone take that risk? Well, there is a much greater price to pay for skimming the surface: You’ll miss out on the greatest human experience, connection and love. Remember, the degree to which you can tolerate the fear of intimacy is the degree to which you will be able to feel the greatest joy and connection with your partner.So, how do we stay on the path of connection and love?You build the habit of intimacy. However, there is one major catch. This is not a one person job. It takes two partners who commit to a united effort. You each have a part in creating the relationship that is waiting for you, and you can significantly impact your relationship at any point by changing yourself. If you focus on your thoughts, feelings and actions and reactions, you become the architect of your external and internal worlds.It’s easy to give and receive love when things are going smoothly. The true test of a relationship is how you love your partner in difficult times – when conflict arises and your stable world feels threatened.In a truly intimate relationship, at the very point where you feel the most fear and experience the greatest risk, it is vital to muster the courage to look at your great protector – your anger - and then allow yourself to see the world that lies beyond, something we miss over and over again. Respond to anger with compassion. Reveal your more vulnerable and genuine feelings of hurt, pain and sadness. When your partner reciprocates, this is how you become soul mates. When you simultaneously allow your deepest emotions to be exposed, expressed and shared, you reach the profound connection for which we all strive.The convergence of emotional intimacy and erotic intimacy is laid out before us all, and at times we just don’t or will not see it. If we are to carve out this difficult path with all its uncertain twists and turns, each of us must find the courage and discipline to do so. It is a journey that will demand your greatest efforts over and over again, constant rehearsing and perfecting, as you make your patient way toward the wonderful life that hearkens and is actually nearer than you think.If you are devoted, if you commit 100% to be your best, if you are aware of and prioritize the relationship 24/7, if you listen without blame, if you own your part, if you can forgive, if you bring hope, if you support, and if you can accept help when needed, you can create a deeply intimate relationship.To your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.