Do You Have a "High Maintenance" Marriage?
"Why is this relationship so much work? Shouldn't it be easier than this?" These are two of the most common questions we hear from people in our practice.Here are our responses: Yes, intimate relationships take a lot of work; that is the nature of the beast. And no, we would not describe a healthy relationship as "easy." The strongest marriages are "high maintenance."One of our clients told the story of how she and her husband, married 15 years, never had a fight and then one day her husband up and left, with no apparent warning. Turns out this couple was doing the "business of marriage" but they were not intimately connected on an emotional level. They both avoided conflict so on the surface it felt like an "easy" relationship, but the lack of difficulty actually prevented them from engaging each other in the genuine work of developing a truly intimate partnership.If you think about marriage as a job, it is probably the only job people apply for with a 50% failure rate. Is it because we think marriage should be easy and when it becomes too difficult we walk away? The work of a relationship involves navigating the needs between two individuals and a couple while facing all the challenges life puts before us. Resilience, perseverance and the effort of two people is the key.Couples who understand that strong marriages need to be worked on every day will be more prepared for the job of commitment. And when times get tough they won't think their relationship is too hard; they will embrace the opportunity to do the work and know that every time they confront an issue as a team it will make them grow richer as a couple. So here's to all the "high maintenance" relationships, including ours.We would love to know your thoughts about how hard should marriage be on our Facebook page.Here's to your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.