The Secret to Making Conflict Productive

“Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional.” - Max Lucade

Most people think conflict is bad for a relationship. Actually, quite the opposite is true. Having conflict means you are involved with each other; you are engaged in the relationship; and you are communicating.Conflict only becomes destructive when voices escalate, temperatures rise and asserting your point becomes more important than understanding your partner’s. Once you understand the secret to making conflict work for you, you take control and turn this around.Discussions about differences begin with a conversation. In the model conflict, one person will talk at a time, each partner will validate the others point of view even if they don’t agree with it, and there will be no attacking or defending. How often does this happen in your relationship? (Not too often in our relationship and we do this for a living.)What we teach couples and have become very aware of in our relationship is to recognize when the communication is starting to go off track – when you feel your body tensing up, when your volume becomes louder, when you find yourself talking over your partner. Or you feel like running away. These are what we call the pivotal points, the crucial moments where your conversation escalates or you choose to stop the conversation, take some deep breaths, turn the volume off, and separate until you are able to have a respectful dialogue.

The secret to making conflict productive is to recognize the “pivotal points” in a disagreement and stop talking until you are calm and can resume the discussion in a softer way.

Talk with your partner about identifying your pivotal points. Become more conscious of how and when your conflicts escalate or become a runaway train.Recognizing your pivotal points can help you and your partner stop arguments before they get destructive and create more healthy communication habits that will allow you to work through any issue in a spirit of love and respect.We would love to hear your thoughts about pivotal points in relationships on our Facebook page.To your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander