What Every Couple Needs to Know About Handling Differences
“Real giving is when we give to our spouses what’s important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it, or not.” -Michele Weiner-Davis
Jennifer: “Don, you know going to church every Sunday is important to me. I don’t understand why you won’t go with me every week. It’s such a nice time to be together and to connect. When I’m there alone, I really miss you. If you loved me you would go.”Don: “Sometimes I just don’t feel like getting up so early, especially when I work late. It has nothing to do with how much I love you.”Jennifer: “Is it because religion isn’t important to you?”Don: “Of course it’s important. But that doesn’t mean I feel I have to go to church every Sunday.”Jennifer: “I don’t understand you.”Don: “I don’t understand why you feel you need to go every single week. We’re just different.”Like Jennifer and Don, every couple comes to a relationship with differences, in personalities, values, money habits and intimacy to name a few. Often couples get caught up in chronic struggles attempting to make sense of something that they don’t grasp about the person they love.When you don’t understand your partner’s way of thinking or feeling, it can be very frustrating. Despite the best efforts at communication there will be times when you just won’t “get it.” And that is ok. Unless the issue is something that you can’t live with:
It’s important to respect and accept the parts of each other that you do not (and may never) understand.
Embracing and negotiating these differences is a vital part of creating a successful relationship. Jennifer and Don finally recognized that neither of them was right or wrong and that the best way to work this out was to compromise. Jennifer told Don ahead of time when she felt it was most important for him to come to church and Don honored her feelings. Other times she went by herself. By respecting and accepting their differences, Jennifer and Don worked it out.We would love to hear what you think about differences in relationships that are difficult to understand on our Facebook page.
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.