The Truth About Love in Committed Relationships
"Where is the love
You said was mine all mine
Till the end of time
Was it just a lie
Where is the love"
What does happen to "the love" over time in committed relationships?We are often confronted with this question when couples come to us for help with their partnerships. I started to think - just what is this mysterious thing we call love? The dictionary defines it as "a passionate feeling or romantic desire and sexual attraction; or an intense feeling of tender affection and compassion." Love is a feeling, a perceived physical or emotional sensation. You can't touch it or see it; you perceive it.And yet, many of us believe the powerful and potent feeling of love in the beginning of a relationship will last forever; that the intensity and passion which existed when we "fell in love" will continue if we are truly with the right partner; and that if this feeling changes then we must be with the wrong person.The truth is, maintaining the feeling of love in a long-term relationship does not just happen. It takes two people nurturing that feeling and understanding, over time, love changes form from "falling in love" to "growing in love." The effortless passion, intensity and excitement that take root in the beginning must be cultivated by actively loving your partner emotionally and sexually, especially during the difficult times when the feeling of love is perceived to be gone.When couples come to therapy because one or both have "lost that lovin' feeling" they are doubtful their love connection can be revived. We're here to tell you that we have seen love reawakened many times. Here's the catch: Couples believe the feeling of love is passive and they wait to magically fall in love again. When we help them understand love is the result of acting in loving ways, they begin to see that they have the power to create the feeling of love.We recommend couples set their intention to grow in love. When you act lovingly, when you give love, when you open your heart and listen to your partner with empathy and compassion, when you remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, when you examine the roots that have grown together as you have shared your life's journey, the perceived sensations of love will follow.Here are some things we have learned to strive for over the years to continue to grow in love:
- Share what happens in our workday when we get home.
- Communicate daily about anything that annoys, irritates, angers or bothers us about the other, in a kind way; and then humbly apologize and forgive.
- Do small acts of love for each other.
- Ask for what we need without assuming the other can mind-read.
- Give and receive lots of hugs.
- Thank each other for things that "we should be doing" anyway.
- Get involved with activities as a team that we are both passionate about.
- Remind ourselves and each other about all we are grateful for.
- Make ourselves responsible for continuing to grow in love.
Couples who consciously do acts of love such as these and nourish the perceived sensations of love will create love for a lifetime.We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about growing in love on our Facebook page.To Your Relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.