Time: A Critical Factor in Relationship Survival

“If a married couple with children has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted, non-logistical, non-problem-solving talk every day, I would put them in the top 5% of all married couples. It's an extraordinary achievement." ~ Bill Doherty

Time is the only resource we all have equally: 24 hours a day; 7 days a week; 365 days a year. And yet it is the resource most people feel they have the least control over. With the demands of work, children, parents, friends and community, time for our relationships gets put on the back burner.We would never consider not spending time on our jobs or with our kids. If we failed to make our careers a priority we wouldn’t advance. If we failed to make our kids a priority they wouldn’t succeed. Yet we don’t recognize the same is true with our partnerships. It is taken for granted that we can postpone spending time with each other. This grave mistake can lead couples to gradually and unconsciously drift apart.When clients tell us they are not feeling connected one of the first questions we ask is, “How much time do you spend together?” More often than not we hear:

• By the time we get home from work, make dinner and put the kids to bed, we have no time.
• The kids play sports so we are out four nights a week and on weekends.
• Date nights fell by the wayside; we have too much to do and it’s too expensive.

Then we ask, “When was the last time the two of you went away together?”

• Just the two of us? Are you kidding?
• It’s been years.
• Not since the kids were born.

The million dollar question is: “Where do we get the time?” This is the tricky part and the answer is different for each couple. We ask our couples to go back to the drawing board, remembering they have 24 hours a day, and that it is a life or death matter for their relationship to figure it out.Here are some tips that may help:1) Create daily routines – plan at least 15-30 minutes/day in the morning, evening or lunchtime communicating with each other about your day.2) Set up a weekly date without the kids – it doesn’t have to be expensive: set up a babysitting swap with friends; go out for coffee and dessert instead of a fancy dinner; take a walk.3) Plan time to go away together – even for just one night. When our kids were young, we would go away for just one night, two or three times a year. More frequent, short trips were more rejuvenating, less expensive, and less guilt inducing than one long vacation once a year.We would love to hear your tips and ideas for finding time in your relationship on our Facebook page.To your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander