Who’s in Charge of Your Relationship?
If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication. -Stephen Covey
In Couple to Couple Coaching with Lori & Bob:Alison: “He’s so controlling. He thinks he should be the one who makes all the financial decisions since he makes more money than I do.”Mike: “I’m so controlling?! You always decide when we have or don’t have sex. I’ve never turned you down when you ask, but when I ask, that’s another story.”All relationships have a balance (or imbalance) of power and control. The power struggle between these spouses is obvious; with some couples it is subtler. Either way the result of mutual blame and finger pointing is anger and defensiveness. And the escalation is off and running! Sometimes zero to sixty in less than a few seconds.Once this happens there is no hope for positive dialogue or resolution and there is a good chance one or both partners will lose control, say things they don’t mean and damage the relationship. Once temperatures cool down, if they don’t apologize and forgive and then go back to the conflict in a calm way to process what happened, resentment will insidiously grow, and eat away at their connection. That’s exactly what happened to Alison and Mike. Not unlike most couples with chronic conflict they had been living like this for over five years.To change the balance of power, Alison and Mike had to learn how to become a team by taking charge of their relationship and learning communication skills to combat being hijacked by their emotions.They were motivated to do whatever it took to feel connected again. We helped them learn and practice active listening and assertiveness. Mike was able to put aside his own thoughts, feelings and responses to hear and understand Alison’s point of view. Then Alison did the same for him. We encouraged them to own their feelings by expressing them directly and honestly using “I” statements to move the conversation away from blame.Putting it all together we looked at their “dance of conflict.” Alison and Mike had to work on ways to manage their individual emotional arousal and move their dialogue beyond blame to their underlying feelings of fear and pain and then on to resolution. They persevered and were able to achieve a deeper connection than they had ever had.It is vital for all couples to be able to face and embrace their struggles and differences in a way that is positive and productive.
ANNOUNCEMENT:
To serve our relationship community, we are launching a 4 week teleclass for individuals and couples:
You will learn practical skills:- How to communicate authentically- How to resolve conflict without blame- How to deepen your emotional and sexual connectionYou will receive:- 5 hours of training from Lori & Bob- Recordings of each call in case you miss one or want to listen again- Three workbooks and two audios from our store
Mondays 8:00-9:15pm EST - November 12th, 19th, 26th, December 3rd
Click here for more information and to sign up:
http://www.relationshipswork.com/events.php.
We're here to help you beat the odds and have a loving relationship that lasts a lifetime - the one you've always wanted and deserve. To Your Relationship,Lori and Bob HollanderSign up for our monthly eNewsletter, Radical Relationships, to receive more tips and articles about relationships.