The Key to Dancing with Conflict
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. - Rumi
It’s inevitable that couples will have conflict and there’s a good chance your parents didn’t teach you how to “dance” with it. When the majority of women worked inside the home raising kids and men provided the income, it followed that the “man of the house” had more influence on major decisions than “the little woman.” In my family my dad definitely ruled the roost and mom was there to serve him. Many women, including my mom and Bob’s mom, were submissive and didn’t expect to have much control over the most important matters, e.g. where they lived or how money was spent. My parents never fought. Bob’s parents may have fought but it was always away from the children, “behind closed doors.”Times have truly changed! With the roles of husband and wife less defined and an expectation of equal power in decision-making, there is a much greater likelihood of conflict. So as adults, we may be the first to learn how to dance with conflict. We can tell you it’s not easy, Bob and I have been practicing for years.When couples resist learning the dance they step on each other’s feet; if they refuse to engage in practicing the dance, they drift apart. It is absolutely vital that partners recognize the need to dance with conflict so that they stay connected and avoid a build up of anger and resentment.After working with couples and working on our own marriage for 24 years, we understand the most important step in this dance:
The key to working through conflict is to move beyond the step of anger, and dance your way to the deeper feelings of hurt, sadness, pain and fear.
When we work with partners who are angry and ask them to talk about the hurt underneath, magically the mood and tone soften. The communication opens up and a deeper conversation begins. That is the conversation that the other partner can hear. Next time your partner is angry, ask her what she is feeling hurt or sad about. Dance away from the anger to the deeper, softer, more authentic feelings and you will become more intimate with your partner as you work it through.We will be talking much more about this in our upcoming TeleClass:
4 week teleclass for individuals and couples
You will learn practical skills:- How to communicate authentically- How to resolve conflict without blame- How to deepen your emotional and sexual connectionYou will receive:- 5 hours of training from Lori & Bob- Recordings of each call in case you miss one or want to listen again- Three workbooks and two audios from our store
Mondays 8:00-9:15pm EST - November 12th, 19th, 26th, December 3rd
Click here for more information and to sign up:
http://www.relationshipswork.com/events.php.
We're here to help you beat the odds and have a loving relationship that lasts a lifetime - the one you've always wanted and deserve.To Your Relationship,Lori and Bob HollanderSign up for our monthly eNewsletter, Radical Relationships, to receive more tips and articles about relationships.