Your Relationship”S” With Your Partner

“All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players….”was written by Shakespeare, but this writer of plays and beautiful sonnets about “living and loving” left out one important factor, which is that though in a relationship there are indeed two players, both players often participate simultaneously in two “different” plays - and they don’t even know it.Jim and Mary came to see us in counseling – they were having one conflict after another and their relationship was fast unraveling.Early on, Jim revealed a childhood filled with abuse and rejection. Accordingly, he perfected defensive strategies that directed him to either run and hide in his room or if his room was not within his reach, to quickly and quietly withdraw deeply into himself.Jim’s defenses were well practiced and had been sharpened over the years, so much so that they became a deeply embedded part of his person and the slightest hint of aggressiveness or even assertiveness toward him from those he felt closest to resulted in a complete lock down.Mary’s difficult childhood was the result of a cold and aloof father. No matter how she tried to please him - it was never enough. She explained that it felt as if a very “deep hole” had grown within her and felt that such may be at the bottom of the general depression and anxiety that had plagued her to this day. Lori and I as observers were able to clearly see how these two histories were tragically playing themselves out in their present-day relationship, both without having a clue of what was going on.Mary had tried to look for connection and validation in this relationship, but somehow, at every turn, she felt frustrated by Jim’s insensitivity and aloofness. She was feeling completely unfulfilled in the marriage and was ready to leave.She indicated that her only form of relief at times in this relationship was for her to express a deep seated rage and resentment that had built over the years which offered some sense of power, independence and liberation for her. She remained, however, substantially unconscious of all that was really going on deep within her.Consciously she had become very angry at Jim for not being there for her and not loving her the way she needed to be loved. She did not appreciate how vulnerable she was to that which still persisted deeply within her – that vacant hole which had been created such a long time ago.She only knew and felt that Jim’s distancing had become increasingly unbearable for her, and that she was experiencing a deepening of her depression and an intensification of her anxiety and panic.Of course, as would be expected, with every expression of resentment and anger by Mary toward Jim, there was a corresponding retreat even more deeply into himself by Jim.So here we have it, the “perfect” set up for disaster, produced by two separate histories, respectively residing just under the surface of the consciousness of both Mary and Jim, tragically interlocking and threatening the very life of the marriage.Thus, in Mary’s production, Jim has been given the starring role - the cold and withdrawn Father, just as Mary has been chosen by Jim to portray the perfectly abusive parent.These two performances were being played out in isolation and in completely different venues – one in Mary’s mind and the other in Jim’s. And this was becoming such a prominent part of their “relationship,” there was in fact, very little “relationship” left to speak of.Jim and Mary had become very accomplished over the years in perfecting their respective dramas as there had been innumerable repeat performances. They had mastered their roles so completely, and they were able to parrot their lines and their actions fastidiously in dramas that seemed all too familiar.And so it went, Mary’s needs once again unmet, as she unconsciously played out an abandoned little girl with her greatest fears again confirmed and with the hole in her heart continuing to widen.And Jim, in retreating to “safety,” found himself secure once again within prison walls labored upon by him and so diligently fashioned over the years.It is upon the ruins of such blind interaction that the relationship continued to grow more and more unsteady. But yet, as if in earnest, this couple endeavored to weaken an already fragile foundation, completely unaware of what they are doing.One could only imagine what this relationship might look like if they had only expended such energies in another direction.What is critically needed here is Mary’s keen awareness that Jim was not consciously intending to “leave” her, as her father did, but rather was struggling on an unconscious level, mistakenly identifying Mary as a brutally rejecting parent.By the same token, Jim needed to realize that he is not, in fact, defending himself from an aggressive and hurtful parent, but rather instead that he is actually encountering his wife as she unwittingly plays the scared little girl from a long time ago – a time in her life that centered upon an unavailable father and the fear that the hole in her heart would never be filled.So here we have it, each staring in the leading role of a drama from the pages of their early “life-story” which ceaselessly unfolds before them, almost everyday and almost in every way.And they persevere, impelled unconsciously to play out, once again, their painful past upon the stage of the present which shall continue to dominate, dictate and direct the destiny of their lives, until the “dramas” that both Jim and Mary play out in their current relationship turns to a “tragedy” that really didn’t have to be.We are now at the point where we can ask a most fundamental question, which is, can we turn the tide of our histories and their effect upon our relationship today? Can we begin to become more keenly aware of these two separate plays that can so govern our relationship? Do we have the power to bring such unconscious material to consciousness? And although we may never be able to erase the memories of the pain and fears we had suffered in the past, can we at least separate them out from a present that is not required to relive them?The hope for us all is that we indeed have the capacity to make such a conscious separation between past and present and accordingly transform our relationship into a better one. We all have the capacity to begin this today, and it is right here for our taking. We can indeed begin the process by conscientiously focusing upon the second of the three elements that make up “extraordinary relationships,” which is to (1) practice becoming “courageously aware,” - daring to openly reexamine our past and the history of our partner and, (2) to practice being “compassionately understanding,” by trying to remain as staunchly nonjudgmental as possible of the path that both you and your partner have traveled in your lifetime.