5 Steps to Recover from an Affair

Oftentimes, couples come to see us when one partner discovers that the other has had an affair. Whether the affair was emotional (“But we didn’t have sex”) or physical (“It didn’t mean anything”); or whether it was extended over a long period of time or just a "one-nighter," the destruction to the relationship is immense.The form of the affair is second to the fact that one partner was betrayed by the person they thought would be faithful for life. Once trust is broken, it takes a significant amount of work to repair the damage. The good news is, if both partners want to do the work, they can succeed in having an even deeper relationship than they have ever known before.The five steps vital to a couple recovering from an affair are:

1. End the affair – Once an affair is discovered, the partner having the affair must stop seeing and communicating with the person he cheated with. Sometimes this is difficult, especially if the affair has an emotional component, but continuing to cheat once the affair is discovered will further reduce the chances that the marriage will survive.

2. Come clean – The partner who had the affair must be willing to answer any question that the other partner asks. Though it seems as if this would damage the relationship further, it is actually the opposite. Telling and sharing the painful truth is the beginning of building back the trust.

3. Communicate, communicate, communicate – During the initial couple of weeks both partners must patiently do a lot of talking and listening. This is the deep kind of vulnerable conversations that can bring a couple closer as they walk through the pain together.

4. Be transparent and accountable – The partner who had the affair must be fully transparent giving the other all passwords to email, access to cell phone voicemail and text messages. The purpose of the betrayed partner “checking,” if they choose to do so, is not to snoop but to provide herself with the reassurance she needs and build trust.

5. Create a deeper connection – The relationship that existed before was not working. Couples need to dig deep in marriage counseling, understand why the affair happened, work towards forgiveness, re-establish a sexual connection and bring their emotional conversation to a deeper level. They also need to discuss and own their part of previous marital dissatisfaction aside from the affair.

Couples can recover from an affair. We recommend all couples who have experienced this seek out marriage counseling so they can work toward healing the relationship in the healthiest possible way.We would love to hear your thoughts about recovering from an affair on our Facebook page.To your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander