Being Logical Is Not Always Good Communication

“The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy,  we can all sense a mysterious connection to each other.” ― Meryl Streep

TAKE ONE John (on the phone): Honey, I need to stay late at work tonight.Ann: What?! You knew I was making a special dinner. You promised you would be home by 7!!John: I know, but my boss just called a meeting and I can’t leave.Ann: I don’t care about your boss! You always cancel our plans at the last minute. I can’t depend on you. Now the night is ruined.John: Why don’t you understand that this is my job?!Ann: I do and I also understand that your job comes before me! Click.Summary:John’s boss expects him to be flexible when he is needed late at the office. John’s wife expects him to be home for dinner. He knows when he calls Ann that she’s going to be angry; his defensiveness kicks in even before he picks up the phone. Ann responds exactly as he expects and once again John tries to point out the logical explanation, that he can’t control when the boss needs him to stay late. But it never works.Communication Tip:When one partner is immersed in strong feelings and the other partner responds with logic, there is no acknowledgement or validation of the feelings. This is what causes the feelings to escalate and become even stronger.It’s vital in healthy communication for couples to understand that you have to meet your partner where she is. When Ann is emotional, if John validates her feelings instead of giving her a logical response, and joins her by sharing his feelings, she feels soothed and is able to talk more logically. However, when strong feelings are met with logic, communication shuts down.In therapy, John learned to respond to Ann a different way:TAKE TWOJohn (on the phone): Honey, I need to stay late at work tonight.Ann: What?! You knew I was making a special dinner. You promised you would be home by 7!!John: I know you are angry and disappointed; I’m so sorry. I was really looking forward to dinner together too.Ann: I believe you. I know you don’t like to stay at work late. It’s just so frustrating.John: I have an idea. How about if I make it up to you by taking you dancing Saturday night?Ann: That sounds great. I’ll put dinner in the freezer.Here’s the rule of thumb:When your partner is emotional, respond to the feelings with empathy and join him/her by sharing your feelings before you problem solve.We would love to hear your thoughts about what happens when you respond logically to your partner’s emotions in your relationship on our Facebook page.To your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander