Use Defensiveness as a Path to Deeper Intimacy

“Defensiveness is a poison pill to good relationships. In conflict, defensiveness is like blood in the water to a shark. A little here, a little there, and in no time the situation has degenerated into a feeding frenzy. Remaining non-defensive is the single most important thing you can do to increase your effectiveness when working to turn conflict into collaboration.”  -Judge Jim Tamm

 Unchecked defensiveness in a relationship can lead to its demise. If, however, you and your partner identify, reflect upon and seek understanding of defensiveness it can be a window into a deeper understanding of yourself and each other, and lead to greater emotional intimacy.It’s human nature to become defensive when we perceive we are being attacked. In relationships we defend ourselves when our partner: criticizes us, indicates we are wrong, or condemns what we are doing. The act of being defensive puts up a barrier or shield and blocks the perceived strike. The fallout is that it also escalates anger, impedes the flow of communication, and prevents a deeper understanding of the communication dynamics between you.Containing defensiveness is counter intuitive, and yet that is exactly what we need to work towards, not allowing our responses to cut off the connection between ourselves and our partner. In order to achieve this we must understand what our defenses represent.Think back to the last time you were defensive in your relationship. What did you perceive your partner was telling you, e.g. you’re wrong, stupid, ineffective, bad, inadequate? Or what were you telling yourself? What does this mean to you? Where does this belief stem from? Ask your partner to do the same and share your responses with each other. Talk about how you will use this information to decrease defensiveness in your communication going forward.Defensiveness can be a portal to understanding if you take the time to:

1. Identify when it happens,
2. Reflect upon what it means to you, and
3. Seek to understand why, i.e. where does my belief come from.
4. Share it with your partner so he/she understands more about you.

Watch this video to hear Lori and Bob talk about defensiveness in relationships and how you can use it to connect more deeply.We would love to hear your thoughts about what happens when you use defensiveness as a path to deeper intimacy in your relationship on our Facebook page.To your relationship,Lori and Bob HollanderSign up for our monthly eNewsletter, Radical Relationships, to receive more tips and articles about relationships.