How to Show Your Partner the Greatest Love
With Valentine's Day around the corner it is a good time to ask yourself, "How does my partner want to receive love?"George (to therapist): I don't feel loved in our relationship.Alyse: You don't feel loved? How can that be? I always remember to get your favorite ice cream when I food shop; I tell you I love you all the time.George: Alyse, I do appreciate those things but, in the most important ways I need your love, I'm not getting it.Alyse: What do you mean?George: We never spend time together. You are always busy, always on the go - whether it’s the kids, work, time with your family. But how much time do we spend together, just the two of us? Not much.Alyse: There you go again; I don't have more time. I have so many things on my list. When was the last time you offered to help me: to do a carpool, to go to the food store, or give the kids a bath? When do you show me that you love me?George: I bring you flowers and small gifts and you don't seem to care. I want to make love to you but you don't respond.Alyse: Gifts are nice but I would rather you help me by doing some of the chores. And sex, how can I have any energy for that after all I do? Do you realize you don't hug me unless you want something? I need to feel close before we have sex.Therapist: What I see here is that the two of you think you are expressing love to each other. And you are trying to but you are speaking in different love languages. Let me explain.Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, describes the five different ways that people express love to one another. They are:
- Words of Affirmation – Hearing the unsolicited words, “I love you.”
- Quality Time – Having full and undivided attention without distractions.
- Receiving Gifts – Not the materialistic aspect, but the thoughtfulness and effort that it takes.
- Acts of Service – Taking on a responsibility to ease the burden.
- Physical Touch – Affection, hugs, holding hands, sex.
Alyse, would you help George understand how you need to receive love?Alyse: I need words - for you to tell me you love me or how great I look; I need acts of service - if you took two or three things off my list, it would make such a huge difference, much more than a gift; and I need affection - touching, hugging, kissing, sometimes without leading to sex.Therapist: George, what about you?George: I need time together and I need to make love with you, not just have sex, but for us to be close intimately. So, Alyse, are you saying that if I help more with chores and tell you I love you more, you will make more time for us.Alyse: Yes, and I would even want to make love more if I had less burden on me.Therapist: I think you've got it.So with Valentine's Day fast approaching, take pause to show your partner the greatest love by asking yourself: How am I loving my partner? And, is this the way he/she wants to receive love? If you are not sure, ask!We would love to hear your thoughts about The 5 Love Languages on our Facebook page.Here's to your "Relationship Evolution,"Lori and Bob Hollander
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Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.