Relationship Drift: Can Couples Get Back on Course?

It's a busy life, but it's the life Rachel wanted. So, why did she feel lonely and sad?Rachel and Sam married five years ago, built their respective careers and had two children, ages two and four. Rachel woke up one day and realized that the emotional connection she once felt with Sam had faded. She and Sam were great co-parents, but they no longer had much in common except for the kids. Gone were the times they would go dancing or have romantic dinners. They hadn't gone away together since the kids were born. The daily routine felt like a grind. She and Sam hadn't had sex in two months.Is this how marriage was supposed to be? She was scared to talk with Sam fearing he might feel detached from her, too. If that was the case, what would it mean?When Rachel and Sam first came to see us for Couple to Couple® Coaching, they were hopeless. They questioned if the feelings they once had for one another could be revived. We told them that if they committed to consciously and actively working on their relationship, understanding more about themselves and each other, and worked on their connections - head, heart and hormones - there was a great possibility that their feelings of love and excitement would return.This was the first time they had faced the fact that something was wrong. Rachel cried and expressed her sadness and longing for the connection they once had. She missed Sam courting her, planning dates, doing the little things to let her know he cared. Sam, listening intently to understand Rachel's unhappiness, realized that he'd stopped attending to the relationship and had not been communicating. Rachel realized that she had been increasingly withdrawn. Sam talked about feeling like Rachel wasn't attracted to him anymore; that she wasn't into being affectionate or sexual, so he had stopped trying. And neither of them talked about it. Avoidance was their coping mechanism.The "disconnect" with this couple was in Head, Heart and Hormones – the connections to look at when you feel your relationship drifting.Head - Are you communicating? Are you engaged with one another or are you living parallel lives?Heart – Are you nurturing the connection by doing "loving acts" for your partner? Are they doing the same for you?Hormones – Are you satisfied with your sexual connection?Rachel and Sam had drifted in all three areas. They stopped communicating about their relationship - head; they stopped doing loving and connecting actions - heart. And they had ignored their lack of sex life - hormones. Essentially, they had allowed what we call the three vital connections, Head, Heart and Hormones, to drift and hit the rocks.In our work with this couple, we started with the Head, by having them communicate about how they wanted to be loved and taking actions that would lead towards connection. Over time, and with consistent attention to each other and the relationship, the feelings of love and attraction, the Heart, started beating again. Their new way of relating - being mindful and actively loving each other, facing and understanding their own and each other's feelings, and creating a balance of head, heart and hormones - moved their relationship to a level of togetherness they never thought possible. They were grateful that they had not given up.How strong are the three vital connections, Head, Heart and Hormones, in your relationship?